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Um, I know that yesterday's Letter Writer likely isn't from the U.S. but 1) it's actually okay if I write about examples from where I live and 2) The Far Right and white supremacist groups organize and collaborate across the globe. We know that, right? https://www.voxpol.eu/download/phd_thesis/Mapping-Extremism_-The-Network-Politics-of-the-Far-Right.pdf
Much like white supremacist bullshit, violent memes & jokes on message boards => amplified by right wing fringe media => re-amplified by elected officials, astroturfed "protests," and corporate media "both sides" reporting => stochastic violence-cycles aren't just USA-things.
Today I'm just a girl, losing my entire fucking mind in front of a poop-smeared government building, asking you to extrapolate a little bit for me.
And I gotta say, writing about observable patterns and being told that no, it's completely separate, each case is its own individual thing that cannot be fairly compared, isn't making the case people think it is about how un-similar Nazi apples and Nazi oranges are.
A lot of people who find it pointless, terrifying, or impossible to imagine arguing with their family, coworkers or friends when they say *OBVIOUSLY HORRIBLE* things sure are combing through my arguments today for some hairs to split about why they shouldn't have to feel bad
Yep, you're definitely "conflict avoidant," that's 100% what you've got going on, this 5,000 words you sent me about why I'm wrong couldn't possibly be rephrased as "Hey Mom, that's pretty racist, actually" and directed at the person you know who is doing the bad things
Yep, I'm the person on the Internet who tells everyone they must absolutely work it out, forever, with every shitty and abusive person they know, no matter the cost, yep, that's totally my brand, "YOU MUST ENGAGE," that's me!
Why, I've never considered that there might be *reasons* that vulnerable white people can't immediately confront every single bigot in their family all the time, thanks for suggesting this new thing I've never considered! https://captainawkward.com/2020/12/09/1304-fox-news-stole-my-mom-and-replaced-her-with-a-ranting-lady-who-wont-let-me-say-or-do-anything-without-it-setting-her-off-how-do-i-get-along-with-her-until-i-can-leave-for-college/
"Stop pretending the bigots you know don't really mean it and stop numbing your reactions to what they do" is totally the same as forcing you, personally, to hunt down your abusive Dad and convince him to see the errors of his ways, thanks for noticing. 
Me: You can tell shitty dudes to get lost
White Women: FUCK YEAH CAPTAIN AWKWARD
Also me: Maybe the racists you know aren't good people at heart who don't mean any of it
More than one White Woman: BUT I CAN'T FISTFIGHT MY BOSS, DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HOMELESS
White Women: FUCK YEAH CAPTAIN AWKWARD
Also me: Maybe the racists you know aren't good people at heart who don't mean any of it
More than one White Woman: BUT I CAN'T FISTFIGHT MY BOSS, DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HOMELESS
Like, I get that half my inbox could be solved with affordable housing and UBI, 'cause your survival shouldn't be at the discretion of the worst people you know or the expense of your conscience? I super get it.
And I get that speaking out in certain situations is hard, and WHY it's hard, both internally, in terms of overcoming anxiety, and externally, in terms of all the power dynamics and social and economic pressures to just comply and take whatever in silence.
You know your life better than me, and you get to decide your own risk levels, always.
But on topics where unchecked hate results in untold harms and death for some groups of humans, a lot of white people face risks more like "Well, that was an awkward meeting," "Christmas: Ruined again?" and "Oh no, I am disliked" BY SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ANYWAY
You get to decide where your own line of "appease _____, at least temporarily, because it's more dangerous not to" and "appease _____ because it will be uncomfortable and everyone will feel weird and think I'm weird if I don't" is.
I will fight for you to survive the first scenario in one piece, to choose your battles, to get to your small quiet room where you can live in safety and with integrity.
I will equip you to fight in the "oh no, it might be awkwaaaard" arena to the best of my ability.
I will equip you to fight in the "oh no, it might be awkwaaaard" arena to the best of my ability.
I won't pretend those two are the same.
There are costs to speaking out against bigots and misogynists, but there are costs to shutting up, too. If counting them accurately makes you feel bad, that isn't on me, and it's certainly not on the people who usually end up paying.
There are costs to speaking out against bigots and misogynists, but there are costs to shutting up, too. If counting them accurately makes you feel bad, that isn't on me, and it's certainly not on the people who usually end up paying.
"Returning the awkwardness to sender," in a blog about manners, is about balancing those books, by making it harder, more expensive, more isolating, more embarrassing to BE an asshole than to challenge them. To make the assholes bear at least some the costs of what they do.
If you feel tempted to send more arguments, do me a favor:
Look in the mirror and say, out loud:
"I'd definitely speak up/do something about the bigots all around me if it came to _____!"
Then think of the things that are *already* in that blank.
Look in the mirror and say, out loud:
"I'd definitely speak up/do something about the bigots all around me if it came to _____!"
Then think of the things that are *already* in that blank.
Then, imagine how many empty graves there would be, just in the last year, if the *only* words in everybody's blanks were "slurs and mean jokes."
Then make your choices. You don't have to inform me about them. I believe you and I want to keep believing IN you.
Then make your choices. You don't have to inform me about them. I believe you and I want to keep believing IN you.
