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i'm 30 years old today. i have exactly four (4) grey hairs (i counted). because this website is still free (despite my best efforts) and you're all still following me (again, despite my best efforts) here are 30 lessons i've learned, in no particular order or timeliness:
1. you are never too old to make wishes on things. dandelions, wishbones in chickens, lost eyelashes.
2. people like to say "everything will be okay in the end," but some things really won't be.
3. nobody gets credit for saying "see? i was right! i warned you all!" when the worst case scenario happens. either stop it before it happens or diagnose, take time to understand it afterwards, and move on.
4. sometimes it's impostor syndrome, yes. but sometimes you just are a beginner and truly have no clue what the fuck you are doing. in those cases it's ok to sit down and be quiet and listen. you don't need to faux-bravado your way through it.
5. people's bad behavior usually runs opposite of a deep-seated fear. i.e., they brag when they're afraid of being seen as unimpressive. they're controlling because at some point in their life, control was taken from them. you have to comfort the fear to change the bad behavior.
6. you may, like me, have been raised with the viewpoint that "if people don't treat you correctly the first time, fuck 'em, walk away." but there is often a lot of value in sticking around and working it out. not always-- but often.
7. really, really funny people are usually deeply traumatized on some level. make sure to ask them how they're doing now and then. they will probably lie and say "fine!" but they will appreciate being asked.
8. sometimes you spend a lifetime waiting for someone to change and finally be kind to you, and they die before that happens. you have my permission to grant yourself the kindness they never gave you.
9. you can move back to a place that's full of horrible memories and make new ones. you can just overwrite that shit. you really, really can.
10. other marginalized people are not your competition. you are each others' sword and armor. act like it.
11. you are not "letting down women in tech" by wearing heels to work, choosing the pink avatar, or doing your hair nice. it's ok to be unabashedly girly. not everyone needs to look like angelina jolie in Hackers.
12. i got a minor plastic surgery in 2017, something so subtle 98% of people would never notice. i spent so much time feeling guilty and ashamed for "wanting" plastic surgery. fuck it-- life's too short. look the way you want.
13. you are allowed to end a relationship with a perfectly nice, reasonable, cool person because their directional vector in life doesn't really align with yours. you don't have to have a "reason." if you feel it, you feel it. you'll both be better off in the long run; trust me.
14. sometimes long-term romantic compatibility isn't obvious at first. you can look at someone and think "lol, they're cute but no way" and then 5 years later you're married?!
15. it's ok to engage in things that are fake but still delightful. like horoscopes. or the bachelorette.
16. never prematurely carve out things that you will or won't do in life. you will certainly be wrong. and maybe some of the things you decided you'd "never" do are actually awesome.
17. vice versa, don't listen to others who tell you that you'll "never" do something. things others have told me i'd never do: write code for a living, move back to california, work at riot.
18. in rare circumstances all this baggage you've accumulated is useful; it helps you be more empathetic, see disaster before it strikes, and make great art. but most of the baggage is just baggage. set it down.
19. you will have various moments where you realize that you were, in fact, the asshole in a situation. it's healthy to have a lot of these, to the point where you can coexist peacefully with that knowledge rather than letting it crumble your identity.
20. there are a lot of things i am willing to compromise on in collaborators, but the two i will not: integrity (do what you say you'll do) and compassion (a desire to understand and care for others.)
21. living your life online means you have very few secrets and most people will feel a lot closer to you than you feel to them. it's a bit unnerving/frightening at first, but it can be a great thing if you just embrace it and let it in.
22. when you look around after a lot of 80 hour weeks and go "i'm immune to burnout, look at me go!" i assure you, you are not. you are taking out a debt against the you who is 3, 6, 9 months from now, and you'll spend a long time paying it off. you just haven't realized it yet.
23. get really, really good at apologizing sincerely and do it often. @ConnorEFallon taught me how to do this. there is no need to be afraid of apologizing. most people do it very poorly and defensively.
24. you deserve to feel physically comfortable: in your clothes, in your furniture, in your diet. if you were raised in an environment where your comfort was disregarded, you may not be accustomed to continually thinking "do i feel comfortable right now? why or why not?"
25. if you are a recovering "gifted kid" who was praised constantly for being smart, it's good to learn the phrases "i don't know" and "what do you think?" and use them often.
26. this one i put into elsinore, so don't take my word for it, take lady guildenstern's:
27. there are multiple people out there who have a story about you being an absolute dick to them-- maybe from when you were kids or maybe more recently. they probably tell that story at parties to their friends. just get comfortable with this fact.
28. if someone offers you a new food, always say "yes" and take at least three bites of it even if you hate the first bite.
29. after dinner at someone else's home, get up and start doing dishes. it is shocking to me how many people do not do this basic fucking thing. i hated it when my mom made me do it as a kid and i am so grateful now that she made me.
30. you will never get it right. you're not getting it right today and you won't get it right tomorrow. that's ok. keep going. there is no value in "perfect," but there is a lot of value in "forward."
