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A long term tension in my life: I don't feel qualified to lead, but I don't see anybody really worth following, either. When, where and how did I inherit these annoyingly perfectionist standards and ideals?
When I was a kid I used to think religious people were genuinely better than me. Here I was doubting everything, probably because I'm an irredeemably naughty, and here were people who were Good and Righteous and Holy. I really believed this
It blew my mind when I met religious friends who were drinking, smoking, having unprotected premarital sex, abortions. I thought you were on the side of Purity and Goodness! "Oh, God knows I'm a sinner and loves me anyway." WHAT? Isn't that cheating?? Don't you need STANDARDS
Like, I never considered myself worthy of stepping into any house of worship with all my sinful thoughts. And you're telling me people go church-hopping to get laid? Wild! What would Jesus think? Don't tell me Jesus was an enabler who's totally fine with your selfish, toxic ways
I once was at a Hindu temple and witnessed two families yelling and shoving over who got to get blessings first. It was the funniest thing. These people earnestly believing that the Infinite Being Of The Cosmos is handing out goodies that you can legit wrestle from one another
"Look, that guy has a Blessed Artifact! If I rob him of it then the blessings will be conferred unto me and my children instead, and give me a superior afterlife experience"
People really believe things like this. They burn paper banks so grandpa can buy hookers in heaven
People really believe things like this. They burn paper banks so grandpa can buy hookers in heaven
Another funny story: God needs you to verify your identity before she can process your support ticket
So my issue here isn't so much that people believe in X, but that the WAY people enact their belief in X seem to me to be almost insulting to X. In fact often it seems like some people perform their belief in X as preemptive insurance against the fucked up shit they INTEND TO DO
How did I get here? Oh yeah, perfectionist standards. I was actually looking at a Mistress's tweet about her sub and thought "man it must be nice to be submissive, if only there were someone around actually worth submitting to" >_>
I've actually had several opportunities to Be A Leader but it's always been a thing of last resort for me. Like you should pick someone with more authority and less self-doubt and... wait, that guy did WHAT?? Oh jeez. Where are the adults?? There are no goddamn adults. Oh dear.
The Ultimate Living Adult, the President Of The Allegedly Greatest Nation On Earth, is spouting inane bullshit on Twitter, insulting people, talking about his penis, saying he'd win in a fistfight... How does anybody take anything seriously ever. We are a species of clowns
When I was in the military, I served (in a support role) with Special Forces. Those were some of the most courageous, honorable, honest men I've ever known, & I envied their camaraderie, their brotherhood
But they're also trained to follow orders
How do you trust your orders??
But they're also trained to follow orders
How do you trust your orders??
I remember reading something by an American soldier who served in Iraq, and he said something like "I signed up thinking I was going to be Luke Skywalker, and ended up being a faceless Stormtrooper serving the Empire". That is HORRIFYING to me. Outcome to be avoided at all costs
I recently watched Wild Wild Country, about Osho and his Rajneeshis. They started out with such noble intents, but they ended up literally poisoning people and actually plotted to assassinate someone. C'mon guys. Why. Why. Why.
It's interesting that people see the word "leader" & interpret that to mean something very specific. When I say lead, I mean it in a very grounded sense, in terms of day to day actions. Eg my wife and I take turns to lead when deciding how to spend our time, depending on context
The confession I have been alluding to is this: if I'm honest with myself, I know that I have repeatedly refrained from taking initiative and responsibility on many occasions despite knowing with reasonable confidence that my involvement would've led to superior outcomes
There is some hindsight bias here, of course - EVERYONE can retroactively imagineer superior outcomes. But I've also repeatedly tested the waters and experienced said superior outcomes. I have been squirreling away this data because I don't like the conclusion it leads me to
At the heart of all of this I think are ideas about responsibility and blame.
The shackle I'm trying to shake of is this:
I have often preferred to be subjected to an underwhelming, unsatisfactory outcome than to be personally responsible for the quality of the outcome
The shackle I'm trying to shake of is this:
I have often preferred to be subjected to an underwhelming, unsatisfactory outcome than to be personally responsible for the quality of the outcome
Saying it again for the lovably idiotic brain in my skull:
Extrapolating from my past, I would rather end up living an unsatisfying, underwhelming life that I "didn't really choose", rather than be personally responsible for my actual quality of life
wake up my friend
Extrapolating from my past, I would rather end up living an unsatisfying, underwhelming life that I "didn't really choose", rather than be personally responsible for my actual quality of life
wake up my friend
a few threads to pull on here:
1. Do I believe that I am capable of creating better-than-random outcomes?
When I was a teenager, I absolutely did not believe this. I was intensely skeptical and worried I'd get trapped
10 years have passed, Visa. You are a different person now
1. Do I believe that I am capable of creating better-than-random outcomes?
When I was a teenager, I absolutely did not believe this. I was intensely skeptical and worried I'd get trapped
10 years have passed, Visa. You are a different person now
2. Why are you afraid of being responsible if you know you can do better?
"Well because then it's my fault and there's no one else to blame but me"
Yes! Why is that a bad thing?
"Uh..."
Ooh, look, I'm inarticulate here. This is probably where we run into some childhood trauma
"Well because then it's my fault and there's no one else to blame but me"
Yes! Why is that a bad thing?
"Uh..."
Ooh, look, I'm inarticulate here. This is probably where we run into some childhood trauma
It's all my fault and that's a good thing!
It's all my fault and that's a GOOD thing!
It's all MY fault and that's a good thing!
It's ALL my fault and that's a good thing!
IT'S ALL MY FAULT AND THAT'S A GOOD THING
IT'S ALL MY FAULT AND THAT'S A GOOD THING
GOOD THING
GOOD
It's all my fault and that's a GOOD thing!
It's all MY fault and that's a good thing!
It's ALL my fault and that's a good thing!
IT'S ALL MY FAULT AND THAT'S A GOOD THING
IT'S ALL MY FAULT AND THAT'S A GOOD THING
GOOD THING
GOOD
(The word fault is obviously problematic but I'm choosing to reclaim it. It's my fault and I'm damn glad it is! Proud to be the one at fault here! "Excuse me who's responsible for this?" Why I am, thanks for noticing! IT'S MY FAULT AND THAT'S A FUCKING GOOD THING!!! You fuckers)
I know. It's a defense mechanism. That has outlived its usefulness and has become cumbersome. Thank you for the good. I forgive you for the bad, you didn't know better. You are free to return to the ether you came from. 
https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/981637431639228416?s=19
https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/981637431639228416?s=19
Zooming out: it's clear that a fear of responsibility is a tremendous bottleneck that operates at the subconscious OS level. No todo app or GTD method is going to make me more productive than I DARE to be. It's like an infinite portal spawning mysterious blockers and handicaps
I realize this may also be why I often zoned out when reading about productivity. Coming up with an efficient system of managing things and processes is Not Hard, you can learn it by playing video games. What's Really Hard is confronting your fears, discomfort, limiting beliefs
(Ok that sounds a little unnecessarily dismissive. But the point is that the latter is way harder than the former, at least in my experience)
Well there it is, a visual summary: https://twitter.com/j_zimms/status/981910970305077248?s=19
