Thread by @_Ninji, I’ve arrived at the Trafford Centre, the home of tasteless shopping centre [...]

I’ve arrived at the Trafford Centre, the home of tasteless shopping centre design!

Time to play my favourite game — Hunt the Bike Parking

The tacky sculptures begin from the moment you enter

No surface is left without some sort of ornate pattern, not even the columns between the Debenhams windows #NinjiAtTheTC

They couldn’t fit sculptures up here, so they painted them on instead #NinjiAtTheTC

The lifts don’t escape this treatment, either #NinjiAtTheTC

Walking down the curvy staircase to the fountain, I came across a fortune and tarot kiosk. “Avril’s Fortunes” will give you a tarot reading for £55, or “healing” for £35, what a deal #NinjiAtTheTC

There is stiff competition for Expensive Cars in here — Tesla has a car on display just metres away from the Mercedes-Benz store #NinjiAtTheTC

Every part of the centre has a wanky name of some sort — this half is Regent Crescent, the other half is Peel Avenue, the food court is The Orient, the outdoor area with some bigger stores is Barton Square #NinjiAtTheTC

The bathrooms have escaped the gratuitous theming for the most part, a brief respite from gold and sculptures — instead you get BTP-esque security posters #NinjiAtTheTC

The theming steps up even further when you get to the food court. This is one of the themed areas, New Orleans — you’ve never seen a Spoons quite like this #NinjiAtTheTC

The attention to detail put into the fake balconies and building fronts above these is pretty impressive. It’s… it’s a fucking Spoons. Why. #NinjiAtTheTC

Behind the food court is the Great Hall. Look at this gigantic chandelier. Observe the Five Guys in the background. #NinjiAtTheTC

The centre of the food court is themed after a ship… or multiple ships? I DON’T KNOW. The ceiling is painted to look like the sky, complete with lit-up stars. Just like a real ship, there’s a big screen on the front showing ads #NinjiAtTheTC

Then there’s Chinatown, home to all the Asian food establishments, a newsagent and a watch repair shop. The latter two look really, really out of place among the heavy theming #NinjiAtTheTC

There’s a car outside Chinatown for some reason. Incidentally, I think this staircase was designed by MC Escher. #NinjiAtTheTC

Down to the Orient! If my video game experience serves me correctly, there’s probably a hidden lever somewhere that will make this stone wall slide back with a horribly loud grindy noise and reveal a Starbucks… #NinjiAtTheTC

After recovering from the shock of that Pizza Hut and its glaring statues — presumably rigged to shoot lasers from their eyes at dine-and-dashers — I have come across another part of the Great Hall with more tat. And an elephant. #NinjiAtTheTC

The Golden Arches have been paired up with the Beige Columns. I can’t decide which of these over-themed fast food chains I like the best #NinjiAtTheTC

Alright, enough food, let’s see what fun the Namco Funscape has…

…Fidget spinners and Minions? This is truly cursed. #NinjiAtTheTC

There’s a smattering of arcade machines (including Mario Kart Arcade GP DX), crane games, bowling, dodgems, ticket games, pretty standard fare. There’s VR and some gambling. I’m not getting any closer to those Minions. Sex sells, also, as this Moto GP machine shows #NinjiAtTheTC

These touchscreen guides are unusually well done — the screen is responsive, it will actually give you detailed directions to any store you want #NinjiAtTheTC

The footbridge to Barton Square across the car park continues the silly theming. A piano version of “I Just Called To Say I Love You” is playing as I walk through the glass tunnel. #NinjiAtTheTC

Barton Square is in a depressing state compared to my last visit in 2016 — half the stores have shut. The statues watch over me. Melancholic music plays. I Shazammed it. #NinjiAtTheTC

I’ve got a train to catch in just over an hour, so time to head back to Entrance #2 where I parked my bike.

I’ve not spent a single penny here since I arrived. Sorry, Intu >.> #NinjiAtTheTC