1like = 1 made up spoken word show I'm considering doing in 2018

An hour of reading randomised segments of the book of revelations. Within the last five minutes I begin to sink into the smoke filled floor (trap door) and by the end there is only smoke and me screaming biblical hell beneath the floor.

An hour of me saying one word only: Regret. As I wander the room handing out fortune cookies inside each one is a one word fortune, a promise, a curse: Regret.

LinkedIn The Musical

The Earth is Flat and You Need to Get Over It: a spoken word show about whether the earth is flat or not, tone and inclination pegged inversely towards antagonising people who find it annoying asba conspiracy rather than funny

Edinburgh Watch Live Reading: exactly what it sounds like

Office Voice: I read legislation passed by the Scottish Government in poet voice

Rothko is better than...: an improvised hour in which I ask people to say who they think is the best artist other than Rothko then I perform villanelles that explain why they're wrong.

A poetry slam where you're only allowed to read the labels on products.

Points for: capacity to convince people to buy it.
Points against: selling out

Concrete Poetry: I write spooky realist poems, then throw them into the foundations of a newly built house.

Shrek Slam: each contesting poet is given a character from shrek then only allowed to use their lines to perform bespoke poems.

Lose a Letter: I read a poem. Afterwards the audience pick a letter. Any word with that letter in it is removed. The poem is read again, altered. A second vote and second letter is taken. The poem is read again, altered. Repeat for an hour or until no poem exists.

The Vengabus Bus: I perform poems about, in, and related to the extended vengabus universe in a bus travelling between new york and san francisco

I read all the poems I have written but with the words arranged into alphabetical order.

The stars in the sky: Monologue/prose poem about scale, moving up from subatomic particles, before expanding through atoms, compounds, into asteroids, planets, stars, galaxies, galaxy clusters, and finally landing on the whole universe before expanding beyond it into infinity.

Is this poetry? 2: @freelance_liar and I take questions about whether something is poetry from the audience. The answer is always no.

An hour long show about how skywriting is bullshit.

Rock DJ. Immersive Show about our cursed land and how our only solution is to press the More Robbie Button. But do we dare?

Book Burning slam: poets are bracketed and have to compete 1 on 1 to justify not having their entire work thrown on a fire and lost forever. The winner's work remains but they are then killed by the vengeful losing poets.

The Ghost Poem. Poetry is dead but it wants revenge.

An hour of poems about mash potato

The Adventures of Loan Spider: a show for children about the adventures of an anthropomorphic payday loan arachnid

Bebo Necromancy: Tales from the Hell Crypt. A storytelling session about Bebo.

Sound Poems Written Using Food. Inspired by my Alphabetti Spaghetti poem, but with a variety of other foods.

The Rules of the Office. I explain how there is a set number of rules to working in the office. The end reveal is that I've never had a permanent office job so have no idea how it actually works.

The strange but weirdly nice story of how I became really good friends with @ringo_starrrr entirely because of a blog I started when I was 22 that he never read but his friend I've never met does, but that lead us to meeting IRL 2 years ago

A satire of performance poetry so thorough you'll take me for sincere

15 points on the water: at a local pond I recite poems as we circumnavigate. The poems are full of longing and facts about ducks.

Gridlines: a warehouse floor is painted to look like a map of Edinburgh. As I walk the room I stop at significant places and recite poems about what I remember.

A Night of Wrestling Poetry

An open mic night where you read the other open mic performers' poems not your own.

Angry Reacts Only. No further explanation required.

Ross Sutherland Already Did It: Myself and @freelance_liar extend our piece about how Ross @rossgsutherland has done everything under the sun for at least thirty minutes getting increasingly anxious that we'll never have an original idea again.

The Ambassador's Reception 2: Reception Harder. A sequel to our sold-out show The Ambassador's Reception. A note is passed to the Ambassador. Someone has been poisoned. Only through poetry can the antidote be found.

Pet Hate Slam: A rant-slam that involves picking the pettiest thing you can be annoyed at and doing a piece about it. I think we did this as a round in Slam Poets Against Humanity. But imagine MORE OF IT.

The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil: I discover a seed from the tree of knowledge. I explain how I ate of it's fruit, how it's popularity spread worldwide, of how moral relativism has soured it's effects. I present a changed world. But is it the result of the fruit?

Attention: I will list, for an hour, the things I enjoy more than attention. I will stand, in silence, for an hour.

One year: I read only one poem over the course of the year. At year's end I write a response to it.

38. The Carly Rae Jepslam: Poetry for and in celebration of Carly Rae Jepsen. Really couldn't be any clearer than that.

How I Was Born And Learned To Live Forever: A fabulist tale beginning at the big bang, and how I started as an atom, then collided in the centre of a star to form a larger atom, and this growth continued until I became Ross McCleary. A person. But where next for me?

Dreary Ross McCleary: An hour of reasons I have felt sad.

Periodic Tableau: Using only the configuration of letters on the Periodic Table, I write poems

1 like = 1 terrible show idea: An hour long fringe show in which I list fictional poetry shows that no one should ever do.

Pietry - An incredibly long poem where the word-lengths match the numbers of pi. ie. 3.141 = Who I want, I...

Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist! Goth Dentist!

Perfume Advert Extended Universe: A story of sex and murder and more sex in the universe in which Perfume Adverts take place.

Car Advert Extended Universe: it's the Off For A Jaunt Blockbuster Hit of the Summer. Likely a show for 8-12. Like The Fantastic Five but with more cars. [NB: this is the same extended universe as the Perfume Adverts, but during the daytime]

Respect Is A Breath of Fresh Luxury. An extensive repetitive sound poem using only these seven words. An exploration of the power of adverts, repetition, and the song imbued by the spoken word.

Sonnet The Hedgehog. A recreation of Sonic Adventure 2 but with strictly-metered poetry.

Hybrid Theory: A poetry night so good and genre-defining that it's worthy of being compared with Linkin Park's first album.

Partner's Complaint: A night of spoken word and poetry by the long-suffering partners of poets who have to deal with the spectacular amount of utter bullshit that comes from being in this position.

Golf Poetry: I perform a wilfully terrible set in homage to golf. Which is terrible.

Rate My Take live. We invite people to make attend and make takes and we rate them live. @JoeyMFaulkner and @clramc on co-hosting duties. There is no debate. There is only the truth of the Take Space.

53. The Job Interview. I'm interviewed for the position of Godfather of Edinburgh Poetry. I reflect on the skills I have with poems using the STARR technique

Watch Complications: It starts off as a show marvelling in the intricacies of clock and watch making, something that I genuinely find fascinating and beautiful, before descending into a torrid of anger that watches - who have but one job - are often so expensive.

In-joke: A panel show in which people share their stories about their in-jokes. What they are, how they came to be, why they still resonate.

Pottery Isn't Real: A really misguided attempt to disprove hand-crafted crockery.

ITC Poetry: Live Instrumental Transcommunication Devices are placed around the room. I construct poems from the voices which call out.

The Trial: Like The Trial by Kafka but Poetry is arrested for being bad. The audience, the jury, has to hear the case of whether poetry is worth saving.

A poetry night where we tell people what they're listening to is poetry but that the performers don't consider to be poetry. The works edge along and around the artificial barriers of what the 'genre' is and means, as well as those of the genres actually being deployed.

Genre Blender: A night where poets are asked to write in an unexplored genre. Slam Poets have to write sonnets. Experimentalists have to write confessionals. Etc.

Coffee Slam: Like @LoudPoets Drunk Slam but with waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much coffee

The correspondence: me and @stefmowords sit at desks on opposite side of stage reading out increasingly terse letters to each other. It ends with actual bare knuckle boxing and there comes a point during this where the audience isn't sure if we are joking (we are, but...)

The List: I read this ever increasingly long list as a self contained work in itself.

Stories and Stovies: I cook a small group some dinner while telling stories.

65. Acrostic Magic. Ross performs spoken word. A dreadful and wonderful acrostic emerges as you listen. What does it spell out? A secret? A blessing? Or is it the casting of a spell that will destroy everything?

Tony Hawk Poe Skater: A Poetry Show Done While Skateboarding.

WHY NOT, EH?