Today I’ve decided that I’m going to insult this quintessential Christmas song that plays every year in the UK and I’m astounded that it hasn’t been thrown away yet.

Band Aid 30’s “Do They Know it’s Christmas?”

I hate this song because I heard it a lot when I was younger and would sing along to the chorus not realising that it was insulting my people on a mad vibe.

First of all the people who wrote the lyrics are racist pussyclarts of the lowest denomination and thunder fire them.

I’ll get into the lyrics of the song very shortly but I just want it to be known that this diminutive view a lot of you have of Africa (a rassclart continent) will be your undoing.

“Africa” is this place in your mind that is incapable of helping itself so every year Bobby and Millie who can’t cook rice without burning it, will say they’re going to “help”.

Please. Stop.

You rarely come back with a nuanced view of this continent. In fact you return having made “Africans” monolith and even smaller in your mind.

I am tired.

Now the song: do they know it’s Christmas?

Well yes motherfuckers. We do know it’s Christmas due to a little thing called colonisation, we know more than we’d care to.

Every time you’re concerned about what we know and don’t know as you help yourself to our resources then look dumbfounded as to why we’re “poor”

“I really wish these poor Africans could help themselves”

Well tell your smelly government to stop destabilising the countries that try.

West Africa specifically yeah?? The region your ships went to steal humans from yeah?

The only hope they’ll have is being alive??

You lot are mad beyond comprehension.

“Heal the world. Let them know it’s Christmas time again...”

Heal the world when you caused its “sickness”.

Wild.

Cue images of starving children with pot bellies.

My issue isn’t that the images aren’t real but that white guilt will not allow you people to tell the complete story.

Write a Christmas song about how we got here in the first place.

Get Bob Geldof to rewrite the song with actual facts. Then we can all sing.

Chimamanda Adichie warns us of the single story. The story that is told about the colonised by the colonisers.

Incomplete.

“Thank God it’s them instead of you”

This line alone sums up white privilege to me and may the spirit of my ancestors give you diarrhoea if you want to argue otherwise.

“There won’t be snow in Africa” is also wild because you clearly have no grasp on geography.

Raise money for better geography teachers and history teachers.

Apparently in Africa “nothing ever grows”

Yet you insisted on outstaying a welcome (that was never extended to you) for centuries.

Skeen.

“No rain or rivers flow...”

*calls river Niger*
Babe you can go home. They don’t think you exist. Yeah tell the other rivers to go home too. Yeah. Thanks babe.

Now you wonder why the average Brit meets someone from “Africa” and instantly takes a stance of smug “benevolence” because they’ve been “helping”

That song perpetuates an inaccurate and incomplete image of “Africa” and thus racism and therefore it shouldn’t be played on the radio.

So I need Bob Geldof and Midge Ure to raise a glass with a straw in it and suck their mothers as festively as possible.