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There is a gendered norm about working on shared tasks which reinforces this bad pattern.
Guys, come correct by jumping on this earlier than feels natural. You should feel like you’re being a little pushy about seizing the dishes.
1 https://twitter.com/girlziplocked/status/933764258550206465
Guys, come correct by jumping on this earlier than feels natural. You should feel like you’re being a little pushy about seizing the dishes.
1 https://twitter.com/girlziplocked/status/933764258550206465
When men work on a task together, there is a whole territorial thing. One cannot join in without an invitation.
Women do not work together this way. A good citizen just steps in and shares the work.
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Women do not work together this way. A good citizen just steps in and shares the work.
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Men, do NOT ask, “Can I help with the dishes?”
I know you think you are being polite, but this is the opposite. Gendered meta-communication among women* reads this as asking to be explicitly excused.
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I know you think you are being polite, but this is the opposite. Gendered meta-communication among women* reads this as asking to be explicitly excused.
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* (I’m making a generalization which applies mainly to gendered communication styles among bourgeois White Americans. In different cultural contexts, your mileage may vary.)
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When working together on a routine task, women do not talk about the task itself, they talk about something else.
Fellas should not get into anything more than minimal necessary discussion of who will load the dishwasher or whatever. Just step up.
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Fellas should not get into anything more than minimal necessary discussion of who will load the dishwasher or whatever. Just step up.
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Fellas, signal that you are up for dealing with dishes by clearing a few dishes BEFORE everyone is done eating.
If you wait until everyone is done and had a moment, women will suddenly do it when you blink and you are that lazy putz.
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If you wait until everyone is done and had a moment, women will suddenly do it when you blink and you are that lazy putz.
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Fighting everyday sexism is a SKILL.
Which means it is harder than just being willing ... but also means it is something you can learn!
Today is a GREAT day to get some practice on this part.
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Which means it is harder than just being willing ... but also means it is something you can learn!
Today is a GREAT day to get some practice on this part.
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There is a parallel version of this for women misreading how join men working together. If you jump in without being invited, that will be read as rude.
But asking if help is needed will usually be warmly appreciated.
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But asking if help is needed will usually be warmly appreciated.
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This relates to how work itself is gendered.
Women are expected to do routine, familiar, repetitive work. Socially invisible, so you don’t talk about it.
Men are given Changing A Tire type stuff one does infrequently, making it more important to discuss explicitly.
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Women are expected to do routine, familiar, repetitive work. Socially invisible, so you don’t talk about it.
Men are given Changing A Tire type stuff one does infrequently, making it more important to discuss explicitly.
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The differing norms about communication when working together reinforce this gendered division of labor, even if you don’t believe in it.
When you leave your gendered lane, people push back because they read you as being rude.
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When you leave your gendered lane, people push back because they read you as being rude.
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Add these communication disjoints to deep sexist assumptions and simple laziness, and you get women doing all the dishes yet again.
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Women reading this thread:
The next time a fella does that annoying "do you need a hand with that?" thing when obviously YES YOU DO, try laying some of this communication pattern stuff out for him
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The next time a fella does that annoying "do you need a hand with that?" thing when obviously YES YOU DO, try laying some of this communication pattern stuff out for him
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Men reading this thread:
Best to save talking about this pattern to women until AFTER you have demonstrated outsmarting it by doing the dishes
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Best to save talking about this pattern to women until AFTER you have demonstrated outsmarting it by doing the dishes
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Reminded of my thread about domestic labor meta-communication by this pointed, worthwhile examination of how these patterns reinforce and are reinforced by sexism https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
For many women, the WAY that men try to break out of the pattern of laziness about domestic labor feels like demanding emotional labor https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
This gendered friction about meta-communication is a manifestation of the much-discussed general split between Ask culture and Guess culture https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser
In these meta-communication frictions, it is VERY hard to see that one is not frustrated because other people are stubbornly refusing to communicate and act in the natural, easy way. They experience you as the stubborn, awkward, demanding one!
