6 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

I had been sleepless for most of the night, heart racing, the moment was here.

I was about to make a decision the would change my life forever, and it wasn’t taken lightly.

I had decided to end my marriage.

A decision of a culmination of two years of therapy, countless months of soul searching, and consultation with friends and family.

A decision that I knew I had to make, but knew the consequences would be far reaching, even if I knew how most would react or not.

It’s brutal to end a marriage. People get hurt. People lose faith.

I didn’t want to make this decision, but I had to do something.

After a culmination of 2 years of therapy to deal with anger issues at work, it turns out my very marriage was a problem.

I had known it was over for a while. My wife at the time didn’t know, but she had sensed my move towards leaving her.

So why did I leave?

The person she married wasn’t me.

The person I married wasn’t her.

We were two people who didn’t know who we were. Two people that married because the music stopped long enough for us to find each other.

But we didn’t know who we were.

Playing pretend.

Her clock was ticking.

I had found a girl who said yes to me being in her life.

That was all we thought we needed to say our “I do’s”.

We had some things in common, but much more different that we wanted to admit.

We didn’t know who we were when we married.

We hadn’t established ourselves prior to dating.

We didn’t love ourselves because we didn’t think we needed to.

Another person would fill the void.

So we lived a fake life.

After the initial excitement, the doldrums kicked in.

Sex diminished.

We started to act like roommates and business partners instead of husband and wife.

She was a stay at home mom.

Raised our kids well.

She didn’t have a social life, very few friends, and I was her only adult interaction most days.

I was always working, dropped my responsibilities and leadership for video games and beer with friends, when I was allowed to hang out with them.

Our sexual compatibility, already awful, was reduced to once a month maybe, if the stars aligned.

It was both of us.

We had both failed. We had both created a pretend world to make everyone else happy, to join a social club all of our friends and family were a part of.

“Marriage is bliss.”

“Sex slows down.”

“Happy wife, happy life.”

“Do you want to be right or be happy?”

All the old cliches. All the same issues as everyone else.

Kids, work, home, all got in the way.

Truth was....I was miserable, depressed, lonely in my own marriage.

I knew if I continued on, I’d cheat or kill myself....

So I chose not to play. I chose to eject.

Because I knew after the initial bumps, we’d both be better people if we weren’t married to each other.

Our kids, wallowing in our misery with us, would be happier if we were happier.

And getting out of a bad marriage meant a promising future for all parties.

So as I woke up and calmly told my wife I wanted out, I knew she’d fight it, but eventually understand that she’d be better off.

Divorce can be a good thing.

So today, both of us are happy.

We both have long term relationships that are better people for us because we finally realized we needed to be US to be happy.

Not play pretend.

Our kids are happy, healthy, and well adjusted.

We co-parent effectively.

We communicate about our kids, and we handle shit that comes up.

But a very important step was realizing that I needed to step up to my role as a man.

And I have.

And I’m much better than I was.

And I’m still improving each and every day.

And I’m not stopping.

Because my next marriage will be my last, because I’ve learned from that cold February night 6 years ago that I don’t want to do that cold February night again.

Marriage is for keeps, so be ready and prepared when you do it by being the best version of yourself marrying the best version of somebody else.

Accept nothing less.