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cw: abuse
So... this statement is totally correct, I agree with its sentiment. But honestly, in light of my experiences with people who commit abuse, it's really not a helpful comment.
(This is a controversial take but I feel the need to add my thoughts on this)
1/15 https://twitter.com/BethMooreLPM/status/1362463585968918530
So... this statement is totally correct, I agree with its sentiment. But honestly, in light of my experiences with people who commit abuse, it's really not a helpful comment.
(This is a controversial take but I feel the need to add my thoughts on this)
1/15 https://twitter.com/BethMooreLPM/status/1362463585968918530
I have sat across the table from many men and women who have committed abuses of horrific kinds. Some of them have been completely horrified as they come to terms with their own actions. 2/15
Some believe their actions were not abusive. Some admit they were harmful, but still believe they were justified. And only a very VERY small percentage have I ever met with who committed abuse with the sole intentions of harming another or self-gratification. 3/15
And yet, even with these people, if I said "don't abuse people" it wouldn't be very helpful at all. 4/15
Most people are hung up on ensuring I know their identity is not, cannot possibly be, "abuser". I am always clear with these people that I do not see "abuser" as their whole identity, and yet, I do see the actions they committed as abuse. 5/15
But saying "don't abuse people" usually results in those who have committed abuse disengaging. I am so grieved that our culture works in this broken way, but unfortunately, we actually do need the articles that say "how to not end up like Ravi". 6/15
We need them because the fact is that a full-blown abuser does not pop up overnight. There are patterns of behaviour that become increasingly abusive over time. Men and people in power need to know those signs, so they can recognize them in themselves and others. 7/15
"Don't abuse people" allows the people in power in our midst to passively nod their heads in agreement, instead of honestly reflecting to check their own behaviour for ways it might be abusive or headed down that path. 8/15
"Don't abuse people" also does not open the door for help to those that have committed egregious sins that they've never imagined they would. The vast majority of men who commit abuse that I have met never thought they would do those things. Never. 9/15
I fully support pastors and public figures condemning abuse publicly, especially considering the horrible history of abuse perpetuated by the church. It's so important. 10/15
BUT I wonder how many people, when they hear "don't abuse people, abuse is evil, etc." would actually respond to this call, recognizing their behaviours as abuse and repenting. Some, but not many, would be my guess. 11/15
There is just so much work to be done to dismantle the systems that perpetuate abuse. I absolutely agree that the "but for the grace of God" rhetoric is dangerous and harmful, and it excuses the inexcusable. 12/15
However, from my experience, there is not as much distance between the abuser and the non-abuser as we would like to think. And so to an honestly unsettling degree, it is actually true that it is but for the grace of God some never ended up committing atrocities like Ravi. 13/15
Here is the bottom line: Saying "but for the grace of God" is oversimplifying. It's not good enough.
But saying "don't abuse people" is an oversimplification that also can perpetuate abuse because it shuts down needed conversations to truly confront abusive behaviour. 14/15
But saying "don't abuse people" is an oversimplification that also can perpetuate abuse because it shuts down needed conversations to truly confront abusive behaviour. 14/15
The world of abuse is an incredibly messy place. These conversations are painful, complex and cannot be oversimplified. These simple statements are part of the conversation, but can't be the only thing we say. 15/15
