it's time for 'Bea yells about Healthy Snacks That Are Not Actually Healthy,' round 2 of probably like a gazillion! today on the chopping block: the 'GoMacro Everlasting Joy Macrobar Mini,' a string of words that means so much less than nothing that typing them killed brain cells

First let's see those ingredients. Oh, hey, that's a phrase I always want to see on something I eat for breakfast! I guess "might incidentally be a choking hazard" didn't test well.

The real story is the nutrition facts, though. Let's break this down. As a point of comparison, we will be using the venerable Snicker's bar as our control, because I think that's especially telling about what this 'breakfast bar' is.

"110 calories per serving at 25 grams" seems benign by the numbers, until you remember that a Snicker's bar is only 250 calories per serving at around 48 grams. So straight off the bat, by percentage, this is more calorically-loaded than Literally Candy.

Also, they claim it's only 5 grams of sugar, but... 14 grams is carbohydrates, which are processed into sugar in digestion. So in actuality, solidly 20 of the 25 grams in this are sugar, they're just lying to you about it. That's 80% of the total volume of the bar.

Out of this bar, which tastes like and has the mouthfeel of shredded-up cardboard, only a single gram is useful dietary fiber, also identical to a Snicker's bar. It DOES have 1 more gram of protein than a Snicker's bar, at... exactly 4.

This kind of 'health halo' snack is honestly one of the most insidious, because they have, effectively, repackaged a candy bar and sold it to you as a breakfast food. Nutritionally, this thing is a disaster, same as any other candy bar, but it's also not even fun or tasty.

Snacks like this exist for one reason: to prey on consumer cycles of guilt about their food intake. It offers you something that tastes bad as a sort of plenary indulgence to relieve the sin of enjoying meals, but in reality, it's as bad or WORSE than traditional junk food.

These kinds of snacks WEAPONIZE your shame about your eating habits against you. There's nothing on offer that's good for you on any level, but because it has 'coded-healthy' packaging and presentation, they CAN charge you an extra buck per unit while making less effort.

Do not fall for this. If you want to treat yourself to a snack, treat yourself to something that is actually going to be satisfying, instead of something unpleasant and bland that is just as bad for you because you've been taught that self-punishment is virtue.

There are DOZENS of healthy alternatives to junk food that are CHEAPER than these overproduced nonsense bars. You can have peanut butter and apple slices, or maybe crackers and a nice veined cheese, and it will cost you LESS than this garbage.