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People who grew up in dysfunctional families struggle to distinguish self-sacrifice from self-neglecting servitude.
Some verses of the bible exacerbate this approval-seeking, people-pleasing behavior by adding a religious motivation.
What are we to do with these verses: 1/
Some verses of the bible exacerbate this approval-seeking, people-pleasing behavior by adding a religious motivation.
What are we to do with these verses: 1/
'just as I also try to please everyone in everything, not seeking my own benefit, but the benefit of many, so that they may be saved." -1 Cor. 10:33
(The motivation here is not only to follow the example of Paul, but the motivation of leading others to salvation.)
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(The motivation here is not only to follow the example of Paul, but the motivation of leading others to salvation.)
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'No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.' -John 15:13
Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you will be a slave to all. -Mark 10:43-44
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Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you will be a slave to all. -Mark 10:43-44
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'I have become all things to all people, so that I may by every possible means save some.' -1 Cor. 9:22
All of these passages make it difficult to distinguish our call to a cruciform way of life from our codependency.
Here are some question to help distinguish them.
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All of these passages make it difficult to distinguish our call to a cruciform way of life from our codependency.
Here are some question to help distinguish them.
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1. Do I fear losing someone's approval, acceptance, or affirmation if I do not do this?
If so, this is not self-sacrificing love (John 15:13), this is a transaction in which I purchase approval at the cost of boundaries and well-being (i.e., self-neglect).
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If so, this is not self-sacrificing love (John 15:13), this is a transaction in which I purchase approval at the cost of boundaries and well-being (i.e., self-neglect).
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2. Am I doing this to avoid disappointing someone?
When we act in order to avoid disappointing another, it is not self-sacrifice, it is short-term self-inflation. As inflation, there is nothing interior to reinforce our action. Only external appearances.
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When we act in order to avoid disappointing another, it is not self-sacrifice, it is short-term self-inflation. As inflation, there is nothing interior to reinforce our action. Only external appearances.
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We will grow weary of continually re-inflating. Paul was not motivated by a fear of disappointing others in 1 Cor. 9-10.
He was motivated by the glory of the Gospel. This glory needs no inflation, it does not disappoint, & it’s power depended on Christ’s sacrifice, not mine. 7/
He was motivated by the glory of the Gospel. This glory needs no inflation, it does not disappoint, & it’s power depended on Christ’s sacrifice, not mine. 7/
3. Am I trying to control someone by doing this?
If we are acting from people-pleasing and approval seeking, we are motivated by trying to control someone’s feelings/beliefs about us. This does not feel like self-neglect, but it offends our own healthy relational boundaries. 8/
If we are acting from people-pleasing and approval seeking, we are motivated by trying to control someone’s feelings/beliefs about us. This does not feel like self-neglect, but it offends our own healthy relational boundaries. 8/
4. Will I be mad if they do not respond to my sacrifice in kind?
If so, this is not a/b sacrificing something for them, it is a/b purchasing something for me at a cost to my emotional health. It exhausts us to use ourselves to manipulate others, rather than communicating. 9/
If so, this is not a/b sacrificing something for them, it is a/b purchasing something for me at a cost to my emotional health. It exhausts us to use ourselves to manipulate others, rather than communicating. 9/
Self-neglect differs not so much in what we do & do not sacrifice for others, but in whether we neglect the care of our soul in the process.
Christ-centered sacrifice comes out of a rich interior life with God, not the external drive of popularity, approval, and appearance. 8/
Christ-centered sacrifice comes out of a rich interior life with God, not the external drive of popularity, approval, and appearance. 8/
Self-sacrifice is an action that comes at a cost to us, for the good of another.
Self-neglect in serving others is an action that comes at a cost to ourselves, in hopes of a perceived good for ourselves, that disregards respect for ourselves.
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Self-neglect in serving others is an action that comes at a cost to ourselves, in hopes of a perceived good for ourselves, that disregards respect for ourselves.
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The difference between the way of Christ in self-sacrifice and the path of self-neglect, is that Christ lays himself down for the delight of the Father (John 10:17–18), but we do so for the delight, adoration, and approval of people.
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It is easy to conflate the 2 on the front end, harder to do so on the back end. Are we upset when we sacrifice and no one says, “Thank you?” When we sacrifice and they still reject us? When they still walk away? When they still don’t forgive? When they’re still disappointed?
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In Christ, we lay down our lives on our own. We do so not because we must, but because we may. Because we have the right, the freedom, as Paul would say, to lay it down.
And so we lay ourselves down not to control them for our sake, but to set them free for their’s.
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And so we lay ourselves down not to control them for our sake, but to set them free for their’s.
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