1/John Knox was Scotland’s most miserable man before Andy Murray, an extreme-Protestant, middle aged man who despised the female leader of Scotland - like your ‘staunch’ uncle on Facebook - he did more damage to old Catholic churches and monasteries than a ‘Grand Designs’ project

2/ At St John’s church in Perth in May 1599 John Knox preached a sermon inciting his Protestant congregation to riot like they had reached a UEFA cup final, it was the spark that started a Protestant rebellion against the Catholic queen-regent Marie de Guise

3/ The Protestants called themselves ‘The Lords of the Congregation of Christ’ - a worse name for a group of white men than ‘Snow Patrol’ - they marched on Edinburgh and forced Marie de Guise to flee the City for Dunbar escaping to East Lothian like a local during the fringe

4/ Marie de Guise was Mary’s French mother and Regent in Scotland she had been tolerant of Protestantism in the 1550’s but was now the ‘Ecossness Monster’ as far as the lords were concerned, with French support she re-took Edinburgh but died shorty after in June 1560

5/ shortly after her death the ‘Treaty of Edinburgh’ was signed which settled Protestantism as the national religion of Scotland, Mary refused to ratify it since it was signed without the queen’s knowledge or consent - like when Boris Johnson illegally prorogated parliament

6/ In 1558 John Knox wrote a series of tracts entitled ‘The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women’ chapter one was entitled ‘grab em by the pussy’ - it’s essential reading if you’re the sort of prick who has a problem with female pundits on Sky Sports

7/ John Knox couldn’t tolerate the thought of being opposed, debated, and bested by a woman - guaranteed he was l paying to be bested by women every weekend, he had a series of famous theological debates with Mary in 1561 and 1562

8/ John Knox went to a grammar school, then studied at St Andrews where he was influenced by the teachings of John Major who promoted Union with England - he hated the female leader of Scotland, was grammar schooled,pro-Union, and taught by ‘John Major’, Knox was the ‘ultra-Tory’

9/ Knox’s impact on the Reformation is over-exaggerated, he was never the leader of the Reformation, or the Reformation government not many payed attention, followed him, or cared what he had to say - it didn’t stop the BBC from inviting him onto Question Time every other week

10/ John Knox has become the scapegoat for every negative pathological trait associated with the Scottish psyche when really we should blame the National team for our misery he enjoyed music, tolerated dancing & Sunday pub openings,making him too progressive for the Western Isles

11/ at the age of 50 John Knox married 16 year old Margaret Stewart proving that middle-age men getting involved with inappropriately aged children was not exclusively a trait of the Catholic Church, Knox died in 1572 and was buried in St Giles churchyard

12/ The churchyard of St Giles is now the car park for the Court of Session, John Knox’s grave is marked on car park space 23, I quite like the fact he’s is buried in a car park and I look forward to the day Margaret Thatcher is downgraded to car park

13/ As Mary’s place in Scottish mythology grows with age, John Knox’s place in Scottish history has dissipated, he was once revered, admired, and popular now only his most extreme fanatics stand by him, he’s a bit like Morrissey I suppose

14/ For more information/nonsense about John Knox, the Scottish Reformation, and Mary’s time in France, check out the latest episode of the ‘Mountebank History of Scotland’ Podcast, available on all major platforms https://open.spotify.com/episode/5kfSqKEXNM53AxnQW92WEj?si=O28Jt_P2Tqe7dANRbiuzZQ