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It was chilling when I discovered I was autistic late in life and realised how much risk Iâd been subject to at times.
I canât write about what happened to me in detail, but I want to say something about #autism and #PersonalSafety
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
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It was chilling when I discovered I was autistic late in life and realised how much risk Iâd been subject to at times.
I canât write about what happened to me in detail, but I want to say something about #autism and #PersonalSafety
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
1/
Unlike many autistic people I didnât experience significant trauma in childhood. My parents had an intuitive understanding of my needs and protected me.
As I grew older this protection fell away and I was left trying to keep myself safe in a strange and confusing world.
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As I grew older this protection fell away and I was left trying to keep myself safe in a strange and confusing world.
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I pushed for freedom as an adolescent. I felt confined at home. My school was very restrictive - an intense, all girls, academic hot house.
I felt like I was climbing up the walls. Late one night I insisted on going out walking alone. My parents tailed me at a distance.
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I felt like I was climbing up the walls. Late one night I insisted on going out walking alone. My parents tailed me at a distance.
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Although I wasnât naive about potential risks my desperate need to get personal space overrode thoughts of safety.
Having a meltdown was also a volatile and risky state for me as a teenager. The release of pent up frustration was extremely intense, with destructive urges.
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Having a meltdown was also a volatile and risky state for me as a teenager. The release of pent up frustration was extremely intense, with destructive urges.
4/
My parents sought advice from a family friend who was a psychotherapist, and from my headteacher, and I went to see my GP.
But I didnât get misdiagnosed, medicated or detained. Nor did I get recognised as autistic. My intense outbursts were just put down to adolescent angst.
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But I didnât get misdiagnosed, medicated or detained. Nor did I get recognised as autistic. My intense outbursts were just put down to adolescent angst.
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My desperation to have a boyfriend was overwhelming.
Awkward encounters at parties were followed by even more awkward âdatesâ with obligatory kissing and fumbling.
Teen magazines were my main source of reference, and not much help.
I had no close friends to confide in.
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Awkward encounters at parties were followed by even more awkward âdatesâ with obligatory kissing and fumbling.
Teen magazines were my main source of reference, and not much help.
I had no close friends to confide in.
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The extent to which young people are coerced into sexual activity needs to be considered. It may be even more prevalent now than when I was growing up.
Iâm not saying sex is a bad thing, it can be wonderful. Itâs the pressure someone is put under that needs to be addressed.
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Iâm not saying sex is a bad thing, it can be wonderful. Itâs the pressure someone is put under that needs to be addressed.
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My first serious relationship was with someone older. Looking back I recognise him as a narcissist. A type I always struggle with.
He was emotionally cold and physically cruel.
Iâm sure he was attracted to me because I was willing to ignore my own needs in favour of his.
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He was emotionally cold and physically cruel.
Iâm sure he was attracted to me because I was willing to ignore my own needs in favour of his.
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No one knew I was autistic, and I thought I was making up my own mind, but an awful lot of pressure was applied to make me do what he wanted.
Iâd been told men could be dangerous but I had no idea what this meant. I needed explicit examples of how, and what to do about it.
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Iâd been told men could be dangerous but I had no idea what this meant. I needed explicit examples of how, and what to do about it.
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That kind of information might have come from close friends, if I had had any. It wasnât the kind of thing I wanted to talk to my parents about. And I would never have discussed it in school.
I went to a clinic and expected someone to step in and rescue me, but they didnât.
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I went to a clinic and expected someone to step in and rescue me, but they didnât.
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I extricated myself from this relationship eventually, but it did me a lot of harm. Exposure to narcissistic behaviour undermined my fragile confidence.
Looking back I needed assertiveness training and more practical information about sexual rights, consent and saying âNoâ.
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Looking back I needed assertiveness training and more practical information about sexual rights, consent and saying âNoâ.
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Twenty years later I found myself in a similar position. Targeted and groomed by someone very senior at work.
Because I didnât have close relationships with female colleagues this personâs reputation was unknown to me.
It was presented as a relationship, but it was abuse.
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Because I didnât have close relationships with female colleagues this personâs reputation was unknown to me.
It was presented as a relationship, but it was abuse.
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One of the consequences of being autistic was that I didnât recognise the potential dangers in some situations until it was too late.
Like many abusers mine went in for victim blaming. He portrayed me as a âfemme fataleâ after grooming and entrapping me. I was one of many.
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Like many abusers mine went in for victim blaming. He portrayed me as a âfemme fataleâ after grooming and entrapping me. I was one of many.
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I was badly affected when #MeToo 
hit the news. It triggered so many traumatic memories.
The abuse of students by university staff has been getting more attention recently. But staff to staff abuse is still buried by universities desperate to protect academic âbig hittersâ.
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hit the news. It triggered so many traumatic memories. The abuse of students by university staff has been getting more attention recently. But staff to staff abuse is still buried by universities desperate to protect academic âbig hittersâ.
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If you complain about a high profile, prolific academic youâll be seen as the one in the wrong.
The damage to your reputation can be immense, career-derailing, life changing. And so it goes on.
I can only speak openly because my career is over.
#MeToo
#HigherEducation
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The damage to your reputation can be immense, career-derailing, life changing. And so it goes on.
I can only speak openly because my career is over.
#MeToo
#HigherEducation
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Other kinds of #bullying and #abuse are rife in #HigherEducation.
Iâd like to say more but universities have ways of silencing people.
Would I have been blamed less if Iâd been known to be #autistic?
Would my abusers actually have been held to account?
I rather doubt it.
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Iâd like to say more but universities have ways of silencing people.
Would I have been blamed less if Iâd been known to be #autistic?
Would my abusers actually have been held to account?
I rather doubt it.
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I believe in the fundamental goodness of humankind. This could be seen as naïveté.
I want to believe people, because honesty is so important to me.
And yet I have to acknowledge a mismatch between what some people say and what they do.
Not just people, organisations too.
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I want to believe people, because honesty is so important to me.
And yet I have to acknowledge a mismatch between what some people say and what they do.
Not just people, organisations too.
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To see myself as vulnerable is to see myself as âless thanâ. To counterbalance this I think of times I escaped from dangerous situations.
Intuition kicked in. I woke up to what was happening.
But I might not have. And I didnât escape unscathed. The price I paid was trauma.
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Intuition kicked in. I woke up to what was happening.
But I might not have. And I didnât escape unscathed. The price I paid was trauma.
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One of the reasons Iâm writing this is because I watched an incredibly powerful YouTube video of @AQuinnUnbroken giving evidence.
Alex told a parliamentary committee how being #autistic means she lives with the fear of being detained and abused.
I share that fear.
#autism
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Alex told a parliamentary committee how being #autistic means she lives with the fear of being detained and abused.
I share that fear.
#autism
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Systems that should support us, like mental health services, can be abusive if they are reactive and not adapted for our needs.
Autistic people can get channeled into the criminal justice system if meltdowns are misunderstood.
Not being diagnosed doesnât protect us either.
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Autistic people can get channeled into the criminal justice system if meltdowns are misunderstood.
Not being diagnosed doesnât protect us either.
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Alex Quinn talked powerfully about how life events and transitions can derail us. It may be bullying, or having to relocate, or childbirth.
Whatever it is, itâs essential that autistic people can access specialist support in environments adapted for sensory sensitivities.
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Whatever it is, itâs essential that autistic people can access specialist support in environments adapted for sensory sensitivities.
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The lack of ongoing specialist support for autistic people speaks volumes about autism and stigma.
Thereâs heavy reliance on the voluntary sector which means very patchy provision.
Mental health teams tell autistic people to phone the Samaritans.
Thereâs no prevention.
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Thereâs heavy reliance on the voluntary sector which means very patchy provision.
Mental health teams tell autistic people to phone the Samaritans.
Thereâs no prevention.
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When we have sufficient energy we can sometimes keep up a force field around ourselves. We may be able to fend off potential abusers and keep ourselves safe.
But if things come crashing down we discover systems designed to protect us donât help at all.
This has to change.
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But if things come crashing down we discover systems designed to protect us donât help at all.
This has to change.
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My physical and mental health suffered because I didnât know I was autistic.
An earlier diagnosis might not have changed things that much.
In the absence of appropriate support we may become dependent on other things. Addiction is rarely talked about in relation to autism.
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An earlier diagnosis might not have changed things that much.
In the absence of appropriate support we may become dependent on other things. Addiction is rarely talked about in relation to autism.
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Addiction isnât just to do with alcohol and other drugs, we can become dependent on sex, buying things, gaming or social media.
Our relationship with food may become dysfunctional too. Instead of being a source of nutrition and enjoyment it may cause us harm and distress.
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Our relationship with food may become dysfunctional too. Instead of being a source of nutrition and enjoyment it may cause us harm and distress.
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Abysmal health outcomes for autistic people are well-known, and autism is associated with increased vulnerability, yet weâre largely ignored by GPs.
Little effort is put into helping us stay safe and well.
Checking in on us occasionally could make all the difference.
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Little effort is put into helping us stay safe and well.
Checking in on us occasionally could make all the difference.
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When it comes to autism and ageing we know very little.
The only thing we can be sure of is that there are many undiagnosed older autistic people.
It might be assumed that they must be doing alright if they havenât come to attention. This is almost certainly not the case.
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The only thing we can be sure of is that there are many undiagnosed older autistic people.
It might be assumed that they must be doing alright if they havenât come to attention. This is almost certainly not the case.
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If we look at previous generations of older autistic people we may see the impact of a lifetime of unresolved anxiety and trauma.
The coming to terms with things many people long for in old age is denied them, because they havenât been able to discover who they really are.
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The coming to terms with things many people long for in old age is denied them, because they havenât been able to discover who they really are.
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If the wellbeing of #AllAutistics really mattered there would be outreach services locating undiagnosed people and ensuring their wellbeing.
But we can deduce from policy and practice that autistic people donât matter much at all. And older autistic people matter even less.
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But we can deduce from policy and practice that autistic people donât matter much at all. And older autistic people matter even less.
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Many of us muddle through hitting crises now and then.
We shouldnât be excluded from health and social care, but we are.
We shouldnât feel fearful about contacting services, but we do.
This is @AQuinnUnbrokenâs powerful, courageous testimony:
https://parliamentlive.tv/event/index/3b158af2-8de1-4df3-abdb-0ab1fb6d9c9b?in=09:32:00
30/end
We shouldnât be excluded from health and social care, but we are.
We shouldnât feel fearful about contacting services, but we do.
This is @AQuinnUnbrokenâs powerful, courageous testimony:
https://parliamentlive.tv/event/index/3b158af2-8de1-4df3-abdb-0ab1fb6d9c9b?in=09:32:00
30/end
This is is the thread by @GeorgeJulian that alerted me to the evidence given by @AQuinnUnbroken
Itâs a transcript of the first few minutes, with additional insights and links.
#AllAutistics
#MentalHealth
#ActuallyAutistic https://twitter.com/georgejulian/status/1360339916627009536
Itâs a transcript of the first few minutes, with additional insights and links.
#AllAutistics
#MentalHealth
#ActuallyAutistic https://twitter.com/georgejulian/status/1360339916627009536
