It is, apparently, an immutable law of History that traitors must have a villainous Pillow Guy who invites humiliation and scorn. This week in 1862, Rebel Gen. Gideon Pillow earned himself a place in the Disgraced Pillowmen Hall of Shame--and US Grant got a new nickname.
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The Battle of Fort Donelson was a brutal days-long affair, fought in a rare cold snap for that part of Tennessee (sound familiar?) As at Shiloh, Grant was caught off-guard; he was conferring with Admiral Foote on a ship downriver when the Rebels attacked his siege lines at dawn.

Pillow’s surprise assault worked, driving back Union troops whose hands were too numb to load their guns, and opening an escape route. If Pillow could defend his position and “hold the door open” while the rest of the Rebel army sneaked through behind him, they might get away.

But as was often the case, the Rebels had more feuding generals on hand than actual fighting men. The bloated command structure put Pillow and former U.S. Sec. of War John Floyd (left) nominally in charge, with the absurdly named Simon Bolivar Buckner (right) batting third.

Other Rebel generals were sick or timid, and many troops never moved to support Pillow’s carefully timed breakout. Another Big Oopsie: Pillow hadn’t told his men to bring knapsacks, blankets, etc., meaning THIS guy was better prepared for a winter escape march than they were.

Like a bad family vacation, Confederate Mom had the station wagon running for hours, while Rebel Dad was still running around in his Stars and Bars underpants tossing 12-packs of Bud Lite into a suitcase. We know how those road trips end: In tears, having never left the driveway.

At 1:30 PM, Pillow fell back to the trenches. The others were stunned. “What have we been fighting all day for?” asked Floyd, Bud Lite cans spilling out of his shorts. “Solely to secure the Wynn’s Ferry Road and now after securing it, you order it to be given up.” #AndSunTzuWept

Meanwhile, with the Union right crumbling despite the best efforts of folks like Col Richard Oglesby and future Ben Hur author Lew Wallace (funny how ‘ol Lew got such shit back then, but the more you look at his record…), Grant was, finally, on the scene.

And a legend was born.

With a soon-to-be trademark cigar in his mouth that Foote had given him, Grant pushed through the routing Union soldiers, described by one as a “savage-looking ol cuss.” He found Wallace and Gen. McClernand, who, of course, decided to be a dick and said, “This army wants a head.”

“It seems so,” Grant snapped. He was most vexed by the boxes of ammo just SITTING around. Until now, he hadn’t grasped the Rebels’ plan; when informed that some of the Rebel POWs had 3-day rations with them, his face reddened in the bitter cold. They were trying to ESCAPE.

At first, Grant had reacted defensively, but you know how when you’re playing your nephew one-on-one and the little punk actually tries to DRIVE on you? And you can’t help yourself -- not only do you swat it away, you grab the ball and dunk it on his head?

It was like that ...

The sheer AUDACITY of the Rebels made Grant switch to the offense. “Gentlemen,” Grant said, “the position on the right must be retaken. The one who attacks first now will be victorious, and the enemy will have to be in a hurry to get ahead of me.”

MAN, I miss Ulysses S. Grant …

On the other side of the line, Grant sent an order to his mentor, the wonderfully crusty C.F. Smith: “Gen. Smith, all has failed on our right--you must take Ft. Donelson.” Smith leapt to his feet, brushed his mustache (as one does when It’s Serious), and vowed: “I will do it.”

Smith thought his aides were crap, so he gave the orders himself. “Carry that fort, yonder, at the point of the bayonet and without firing a gun until you get inside of their works,” Smith told the 2nd Iowa. “You will be well-supported, a whole brigade will follow at your heels.”

And so did Smith, hurling profanities at his raw recruits. “Damn you gentlemen, I see skulkers, I'll have none here!” Smith roared. “Come on, you volunteers, come on! You volunteered to be killed for love of country, and now you can be!”

How’s THAT for a Mid-Charge Pep Talk?

But Smith wasn’t done. “You are only damned volunteers!” he shouted. “I'm only a soldier, and don't want to be killed, but you came to be killed and now you can be."

(Okay … so it’s not exactly Henry V or Bravehart or even Bill Pullman from “Independence Day.” But it’s close!)

“My blood runs cold when I read such stuff as that I put my cap on my sword, etc,” Smith wrote his wife. “I did no such ridiculous thing. I certainly did use my sword in waving people on & would like to have used it extensively on those who went back; but not the cap business.”

(I love how Smith is so old-school he’s truly chagrined about “the cap business.” He’s like: “Okay, sure, maybe I waved my sword around a little bit, and I wanted to stab a few cowards, but I NEVER put my cap on the end of my sword. What do you take me for, a THREE MUSKETEER?!?”)

By nightfall, the Rebels had been driven back to their starting positions. And now the two Rebel political generals, Floyd and Pillow, decided there was only one thing left to do: become even BIGGER Laughingstocks in the eyes of the Southern press and sneak away on boats.

FWIW, Floyd might've been tried for treason because of his actions as U.S. Secretary of War, but why Pillow thought himself so valuable is a mystery. As Grant told Buckner of Pillow: “If I had got him, I'd let him go again. He will do us more good commanding you fellows."

The day after the Rebels’ breakout attempt, Grant sent Buckner (an old friend) his famous note demanding “unconditional surrender,” which became his first nickname: Unconditional Surrender Grant.

(Didn’t nicknames used to be cool? Nowadays we’d call him G-Rod or some shit.)

In one of those “Gosh, the Civil War was weird” moments, Grant offered to lend Buckner cash to help him in jail (Buckner had once lent Grant money when he was broke), but Buckner turned him down.

So even when he was being all “Unconditional,” Grant was still kind of a sweetie.

And 23 years later, Buckner returned the favor. He was a pallbearer at Grant’s funeral …
#FortDonelson
#UnconditionalSurrender
#DownWithThePillowmen