Read on Twitter
Thread (TW: abuse.)
"It's a real gradual step-by-step process to get somebody to a place where they lose themselves so much they feel like they deserved to be treated that way. It's not one thing, it's loads of tiny little things that get sewn together into a nightmare." https://twitter.com/CBSThisMorning/status/1362029807861723140
"It's a real gradual step-by-step process to get somebody to a place where they lose themselves so much they feel like they deserved to be treated that way. It's not one thing, it's loads of tiny little things that get sewn together into a nightmare." https://twitter.com/CBSThisMorning/status/1362029807861723140
Last week on a bit of a knee-jerk whim I shared this tweet. It felt a bit flippant at the time but the truth is it set off a spiral that I've only really felt comfortable writing about today, thanks to the bravery of people like Twigs in the video above. https://twitter.com/adeelamini/status/1359434555120304130?s=20
Why did it take so long? The first reason - as it often is - was shame. There's still such a stigma attached to what you go through that it's hard to talk about it. As if doing so is to admit weakness or perhaps some responsibility for being in that position in the first place.
That's the longer-term effect of what happens to you. Abuse can be insidious. It is a systematic – and often systemic – exploitation of a power structure, a bespoke punishment-and-reward system that might seem impenetrable to the outside world. And as a result, it is isolating.
If an abuser’s campaign is successful, you will start to question your own reactions. Was it my fault? Am I overreacting? Am I just pretending to be the victim because I don’t like this behaviour? You look at your own damage and wonder whether this is what you deserve.
And so begins the cycle of shame. Those inside a snow globe know not of the world around them, and neither is the world privy to what goes on inside. A violent shake results in momentary change; and yet stillness, the freedom to simply exist, is discarded.
To the outside, an abuser embodies that stillness. They radiate calm, often charisma, so that even the abused believes that if they fly off the handle – no matter how insignificant the transgression – it must be justified.
They create an environment where it feels impossible for someone to believe you, until you look at it rationally on the other side or, in some cases, until it is too late. I’m lucky to have avoided such situations over the last two years, but occasionally there remain triggers.
Last week was a trigger, & you never quite know what it's going to do. Seeing someone like that celebrated, heralded, reminded me of how much shame I've been carrying by not addressing it, by not writing about it. But it exists. And it's one last hangover of power an abuser has.
Which is why talking about it today, seeing Twigs talk about it today, is so important. I've had people trying to suffocate what I went through in the name of defensiveness, and that is likely to happen; what matters to people like us is holding on to a truth long denied to us.
We don't need to talk today about the free pass inclusive spaces get in the face of toxicity, as if abuse can't happen within them - that's a discussion for another time. But it is a reminder of how much enabling goes on within like-minded groups. Enabling and denial.
Airing this today - more personal than I tend to be on this platform usually - is a way of taking away that power. A power I reclaim in the work I do in the industry & people I serve; fittingly, it equips me better for the gaslighting & loaded comments I can now spot a mile off.
Survivors also take with them an armour of self-respect. A knowledge that you are enough. It is this gift that I hope any sufferers of abuse can also take with them, for even a life clad in armour, braving the elements, is infinitely preferable to being subservient in the sun.
That's why Twigs speaking out matters. And that's why I hope this thread matters too.
(If you feel you are suffering from any sort of emotional or physical abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247)
(If you feel you are suffering from any sort of emotional or physical abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247)
