1/ A thread on Scotland’s Renaissance King IV who embraced new ideas in philosophy, education, literature, science, art & technology - thankfully your aunty wasn’t around to talk pish about masks suffocating babies, paedo aliens,and Bill Gates controlling us through jobby jabs

2/ James IV at 15 years old was the figurehead of a rebellion against the king, like Katniss Everdeen except less fuckin’ miserable

The king he was rebelling against was his father James III who was killed at the Battle of Sauchieburn June 1488

3/James wore an iron chain belt he added a link to every year after his father’s death - if Matt Hancock had to do this for every death he was responsible for he’d be at the centre of the fucking earth right now

4/ James was fed a series of mistresses before his marriage in 1503 he had 4 children by 3 different women, he’s remembered as the ‘Leigh Griffiths’ monarch in Scotland, James was the last Scottish king fluent in Gaelic, this made him popular in the Highlands since they couldn’t

5/ James introduced Scotland’s first printing press in 1507, the fist mass produced, top-selling book in Scotland was ‘The Wallace’ about the great ‘north British’ villain William Wallace who traitorously tried to stop England strengthening our ‘family of nations’

6/ In 1503 James IV married Margaret Tudor at Holyrood Palace in the the marriage of the ‘Thistle and the Rose’ it would lead to a Union of the Crowns through their great-grandson James VI 100 years later. Holyrood is also where the Divorce will take place in 518 years later

7/ In 1511 the flagship of James’s Scottish navy was launched from Newhaven the ‘Great Michael’ it was 55 metres long, weighed 300 tonnes, had 30 bronze cannons a crew of 300, and ‘wasted all the wood in Fife’ Fifers can only get wood now if they see an attractive cousin

8/ Like a guest at a Michael Barrymore pool party the ‘Great Michael’ was a floating disaster, it didn’t deter attacks, was expensive, and was aimed solely at looking relevant to international superpowers - just like ‘our’ nuclear weapons

9/England invaded France in 1513 and the French wanted us to help them out by getting massacred in the north of England again, so James wrote to Henry VIII telling him he planned to attack - he gave forewarning of his attack like he was visiting his in-laws not attacking an enemy

10/ The Battle of Flodden in September 1513 is the most disastrous defeat in Scottish history (until Kazakhstan beat us 3nil in 2019) James IV was killed riding at the head of his army leaving the country leaderless while he was on the frontlines shanking hands with Covid patient

11/ James embalmed body was found in a lumber room of a Monastery in Surrey 100 years later, the workmen who discovered it took off James’s head and played football with it, thankfully it wasn’t discovered by a descendant of David Cameron as they would have likely fucked it

12/ Elizabeth I’s glazier recovered the head and placed it on his mantelpiece, Priti Patel does the same thing she’s one Syrian granny head away from the complete set. James is now buried under a London insurance building, a similar fate the media have marked out for Alex Salmond

Check out my Podcast episode on James IV https://open.spotify.com/episode/2Lz6ZqWHo66kbICuNjZtKr?si=GuPrjZ_gQ_KgxRCWZDhIHA