1/ Gather round Twitter friends, Romans, countrymen, etc. I have a bunch of things I need to say to get off my chest. This is going to be long, rambling, and possibly incoherent, so grab some snacks, mute it if you must, but here we go.

2/ So, I've been having a bit of a mental health crisis for the past few weeks, and would like to vent to any and all. SO, to start with, my name really is Rob, I'm 34 years old and l really do live in New Jersey.
And my life is pathetic.

3/ I work in the same grocery store since high school for not a great deal of money, have never been in anything remotely resembling a romantic relationship, and live in a near constant state of anxiety and self-doubt. I accepted this as just how I am.

4/ A few weeks ago, however, this changed. I'm convinced that God struck me with His inspiration, but I realized that I cannot keep living this way. These doubts and irrational fears that I have have done nothing but hold me back from having a fulfilling life.

5/ I want a better job that doesn't involve menial labor. I would love to have a woman who I can hold and love and for her to love me, to have children, but I never thought I was worthy. I always believed that there was someone better than me, that I would be settled upon at best

6/ This lead to one of the most depressing chapters of my life two weeks ago, and I cannot thank @woodyspigroasts enough for talking me through it. Our conversation gave me a great deal to think upon and some hope to cling to.

Still, it's not easy to reprogram a near lifetime of negative thinking, and soon feel back into existential dread. This lead to a series of tweets with @MrsBrometheus @fiercelyfeminin @lookatDworld @igniteyourpath and others (I thank you all from the bottom of my athletic heart)

8/ which forced me to confront some of the darker aspects of my personality. And because of this and some other soul searching I've come to a conclusion. I'm not living like this any more. God did not put me on this planet to mope or be self-pitying.

9/ He has plans for me beyond putting milk on a shelf and waking up alone in a cold bed. My problem, as I see it, is that I am at war with myself. Logically I know one thing, but it gets overruled by the illogical part of my brain.

10/ I'm going to indulge in some bragging here, so please forgive me. I am smart. I was 44 out of 680 in High school, and I never bothered studying, except for math, which isn't a real subject, and German, and before you ask, my German ability is vaguely

understanding Rammstein on a good day. I've written 20 page research papers based on my existing knowledge only citing sources since "because I just know this" doesn't count as a viable citation. Still, when I was rejected after applying a job, it had to be because I'm stupid.

12/ It couldn't possibly be because I wasn't a good fit for that company. It was me and my utter lack of intelligence. The fact that I graduated in 08 when the market crashed didn't help, but still. So, after a while I just gave up. There was no use.

13/ As far as relationships go, I never felt adequate to the task. It wasn't fear of rejection. It was fear that she would say yes. Then what? She would realize that I'm a loser and either take advantage of me or use me as a placeholder until someone else better came along.

14/ Objectively, I'm not too bad looking. Yes, my profile is me, and I have YouTube channel where I show my face often. Not a movie star, but workable: Nope, you are hideous and women are repulsed by you. My hair has been falling out since I was 17. Fine, that's my style.

15/ No, I am hideous without redemption. I'm only 5'7'. Big deal. Any woman that's put off by that is a vain and I would be miserable with her anyway. No, you are inadequate. As far as personality goes, I'm introverted, but can be very charismatic if I want to. I've had an

16/ entire bus laughing in hysterics on a class trip, and once a person had to leave the room because she was laughing so hard. Nope, they're just being polite. There is always a doubt in my mind over how genuine someone is reacting to me.

17/ I'm 34. Logically, I'm healthier than I've ever been, more money than ever before, and have more maturity and life experience, and mid 30's is not nearly too late. Nope, you are too old for a relationship, just give up now.

I think you get the point. I am compelled to undermine myself no matter the subject. The thing is, when I do take risks, they usually pay off for me. I debated with myself over investing in the stock market. Took me years to finally do it.

19/ In that time, I've made a lot of money (Amazon and Tesla, baby). Imagine if I had just started investing a few years earlier, how much richer I would be. This is my life up to now. Always waiting for the perfect moment, if at all. Never taking action when I should because of

20/ fear or doubt or me undermining myself. Women haven't exactly been kicking down my door, but fraking hell, there were so many missed opportunities. Two in high school, at least three at work, and the biggest kick me moment in college.

Actually it was for my masters, but still, I had a group project with a very intelligent and well spoken psych major. We got along well and were on good terms. At the end of the semester, we had a party at a local restaurant. She spent the whole time talking to me, and only me.

21/ I know it's not appropriate to objectify women, but I'm going to do that. She was at least a 8.5. After she left, I haven't seen or heard form her since. I realized some time later that she was flirting with me. She, a stunning, intelligent woman was interested in me.

22/ Nope, she was just being polite. There is no possible chance someone like that was genuinely interested in me. There would be someone better anyway. If I had been able to get out of my own head and actually pursue this further, I could be happy with her, a nice house, bunch

23/ of kids, etc. Maybe it wouldn't have worked, but I'll never know.
All of this without even trying. Imagine what would have happened if I actually acted like I wanted to and not how the voice (metaphorical, I don't actually hear voices).

24/ told me to. And that's why I'm here. I'm done living in fear. I'm done living like a loser. I've always just accepted that this is how I am. Nervous, anxious, overly careful. But I refuse to live this way any longer.

25/ I am going to seek pro help and talk through my insecurities directly with a therapist. I have a stack of books I'm going to be reading about the subject. I'm also taking control over the rest of my life. I have a Youtube channel that is just a hobby, but I will actually put

26/ some more effort into it, create better content, and use that as a springboard for working for myself. I am also writing a novel, and will actually try to, you know, write it. My life has always been at the whims of others, and I will now live on my own terms. The real me,

27/ not the dark cloud that was masquerading as me. I'm not going to get rid of my issues. I'm going to kill them. I will grind my insecurities into dust under my boot heel and live the life that I was meant to lead. It's going to be a hard road.

28/ I look at the experiences of guys like @TheBrometheus @hmestedpadre @tannerguzy and others who have pulled themselves up from orders of magnitude worse situations than me. If they can do it, so can I. I hope to be in a better position mentally, and financially in a year.

29/ If I fail, I'll still be better off than if I did nothing. So, there it is. There's a long road ahead for me, and I'm out of things to say. So I'll conclude with this. Thank you for indulging me in this thread, which I have never done before.

30/ To everyone mentioned here, please indulge me with my inevitable questions and requests for advice, and would like to ask a favor.

31/ I don't do prayer requests usually but if anyone mentioned here as well as my friends @Sociopathlete @AHelleneAuthor @dacianwanderer @UsagikoNat @FitzgeraldSTA @ormr_varg @jeffrey_metcalf @carpet357 @OpheliaMaddsen @Jesswhitecomic would be willing to

32/ Pray for my success in this, it would be greatly appreciated.
And also, If I ever do anything self pitying or pathetic again, please, for the love of God, Odin, Buddha, or whomever you pray to, please kick my ass. Thank you.

33/ And since I have your attention, I might as well add

Taxation is theft.