Once had a man claim to be supportive of asexual people BUT...
He believed they MUST DISCLOSE before TRAPPING innocent ~regular~ people like him in sexless relationships, and yet admitted he hadn't discussed sexual expectations in his relationship because he *shouldn't have to*.

There is a default, expected, universally understood amount of sex he has a right to, he explained, quoting statistics about average sexual encounters for his age group. Since the non-sex-desiring person is rare, he said, it is THEIR responsibility to raise exception.

After going on at length about his feelings of rejection and frustration, he grew angry that I was not sympathetic. Why, I argued, was SHE obligated to disclose her sexual expectations while he was not? Why is he guaranteed a default without thinking a conversation is warranted?

BECAUSE HE IS THE NORM, he claimed. BECAUSE HE IS TYPICAL, and everyone knows how much sex is expected. That is why someone who violates that should be treated like a contract-breaker. Because how could she have not known what he would want and expect?

When I argued that many non-sex-desiring people (including some asexual people) do not KNOW this about themselves and have been led to believe they will like it in a relationship or will desire it over time (and therefore can't always slap a warning on themselves), he disagreed.

Everyone DOES know this, he insisted, and furthermore, if partners mutually agree to no sex or very little sex, that's fine--it just MUST be disclosed beforehand. If it is not, then he is entitled to assume "the default" amount of sex is his right. (Yes, numbers were shared.)

All of this had an infuriating sheen of "but I am so reasonable--how can you be this obtuse, asexual lady? how can you encourage people to believe they can be permitted to refuse sex in a relationship if they didn't take an exception before getting invested?"

Sir, I can be this supposedly obtuse because THERE ARE NO RELATIONSHIPS in which any amount of sex is ever guaranteed or owed. NEVER! And the firmly entrenched societal beliefs that allow men like him to believe they are owed sex not only hurts us--it hurts all relationships.

People get into situations like this in the first place because many ace people and in general less-sexual people are not permitted to see their desired frequency of sexual encounters as a possibility, as valid, as normal. They may avoid disclosure out of shame or fear.

And they may avoid disclosure not because of people like me, but because of people like HIM. People like this guy are exactly the reason we DO have so many people who compromise this way only to be intensely unhappy, yet socialized to believe they don't deserve love otherwise.

Meanwhile guys like him think they can take a DESCRIPTIVE study of sex habits and use it as a PRESCRIPTION to guarantee sex. He was so confident that these studies backed up his expectations that he compared "withholding sex" to peeing on the carpet and stiffing cab drivers.

It is so universally understood, he said, that people WILL have this much sex in a relationship, that if you won't do it, it's on the level of refusing to use the toilet, refusing to wear clothes, refusing to pay for services you received. Unspoken contracts, he argued.

Part of what makes asexuality activism so important is breaking these asinine beliefs about sexual norms. (Again, this does not affect all aces, and some affected are not ace.) What's important is that people NEVER leave sexual expectations unspoken. YOU MUST SPEAK THEM.

If your sexual needs are unusual and you're aware of that about yourself, absolutely, you should talk to any potential partners about that. You should also do so if your needs are fairly common, though. And you should do so understanding that not everyone is equally empowered.

The status quo reinforces beliefs like this man's--to the point that he feels cheated over something he was literally never promised. It wasn't even small print in a contract; he didn't even think he needed to have one. And still felt justified accusing a partner of oathbreaking.

This is an old conversation from 2016 and it still haunts me that this attitude is so common, coming so consistently from unrepentant, un-self-aware people. Should you wish to see I am not exaggerating, it is still public on my website comments.
http://juliesondradecker.com/?page_id=1767#comment-59699