I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt lately. I’m wondering if other disabled students have felt the same.

These last few months, my dislocations have gotten worse due to muscle loss caused by a Gastroparesis flareup.

I would have had to drop my classes, if not for the pandemic

In the past, I frequently couldn’t make it to my Friday classes in person. I had physical therapy on Thursdays, and the pain would be so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed.

The access center at my university told me I needed to drop the class.

This was a class of like 500+ students in an auditorium with a huge projector and the teacher with the teacher lecturing over slides through a microphone. Remote access was possible.

They refused. They wouldn’t even let me send my note taker to take notes for me in my absence.

The only reason why I didn’t need to drop out was because my prof and TA chose to allowed me to turn in my work, of their own accord, because they saw how hard I was working and they knew I was keeping up.

We cut out the access centre.

This year, I find myself in that heightened state of pain almost daily. I know for a fact that if I were in school in person, I would be forced to drop out.

Not because I can’t do the work (I’m keeping up and maintaining my 4.0 GPA with 5 classes)—but because of ableism.

It is ableist to only offer remote access accommodations when it impacts able bodied students.

It means that their access matters, but ours dont.

Missing a year of class is acceptable for us, but not for them.

It’s not right.

I’ve found myself absolutely riddled with guilt over the fact that I feel a pang of panic every time people mention “things going back to normal”.

Not just because I’m at higher risk for Covid—but because what is “normal” for you has never been equitable for me.

After weeks of more unrelenting leg pain, I went back to the doctor yesterday to find out that my left ankle is out of place again. So much so that the offset has caused my knee to entirely come out, which has offset my back and pelvis.

I need to spend as much time as possible being still so that these injuries can heal between appointments, and to prevent them from getting worse or affecting other areas of my body (as they are now).

I can hardly leave my house even once a month for medication.

I just can’t stop thinking about what this will mean for me and my prospects of finishing school once things are “back to normal”.

And it makes me feel sick knowing that a pandemic is my best chance at graduating.