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The dumbest jokes make me laugh the hardest, it’s always been true
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
[Use his finger to make “bubble voice“] Dwayne de bathtub! I’m DWOWNING!!!!
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
[Use his finger to make “bubble voice“] Dwayne de bathtub! I’m DWOWNING!!!!
Guy wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears a noise in the kitchen. It’s coming from the refrigerator. He opens the refrigerator door. There’s a rabbit in there.
“What are you doing in there, rabbit?”
“This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m westing.”
“What are you doing in there, rabbit?”
“This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m westing.”
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.
Fish.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
Hard to choose, but its flag is a big plus.
Hard to choose, but its flag is a big plus.
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.
Here’s one from my dad, who had 1 million musician jokes:
Q:Whats the difference between terrorists and accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers
Q:Whats the difference between terrorists and accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
[Dad always said “Sorry, Matt“ after he told that one]
A: A music critic.
[Dad always said “Sorry, Matt“ after he told that one]
What do you do if you run over a bass player?
Back up.
Back up.
Doctor to patient: “I got bad news and good news.”
“Give the bad news first, doc.“
“You have a tumor, it’s advanced, you only have 3 weeks to live.“
“Oh my God! What’s the good news!”
“Ya see that gorgeous lady outside in the convertible?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s my girlfriend!”
“Give the bad news first, doc.“
“You have a tumor, it’s advanced, you only have 3 weeks to live.“
“Oh my God! What’s the good news!”
“Ya see that gorgeous lady outside in the convertible?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s my girlfriend!”
I’m gonna close out with my dad‘s favorite joke. This is a long one.
Guy gets in a car accident, it’s not his fault. He gets a $100,000 settlement. Takes him six months to get better. At the end he has his final meeting with the doctor supervising his recovery. 1/
Guy gets in a car accident, it’s not his fault. He gets a $100,000 settlement. Takes him six months to get better. At the end he has his final meeting with the doctor supervising his recovery. 1/
The doctor says “I’ve been keeping close tabs on you, everything is fine. You’re back to 100%. You should l come back for a check up at some point, but I really think everything is good.“
Patient says “Fantastic news, Doc, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” 2/
Patient says “Fantastic news, Doc, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” 2/
Doctor says “Before you go, I want to tell you about a little project I’m involved in. Me and a couple of other doctors have started an experimental clinic. We can add inches to your penis. It’s outpatient, it only takes 24 hours to heal and then you’re ready for action.” 3/
Patient says “Well, that sounds very interesting, Doc, uhhh...I wonder how much it costs?“
“It only costs $20,000 per inch. For the settlement you got you could add 5 inches to your penis. That would be pretty incredible, right?”
“ yeah, Doc, incredible!” 4/
“It only costs $20,000 per inch. For the settlement you got you could add 5 inches to your penis. That would be pretty incredible, right?”
“ yeah, Doc, incredible!” 4/
Doctor says “Tell you what, here’s a brochure, here’s paperwork on the payment plan—Take it home, sit with your wife over dinner, talk about it, and then tomorrow, you can call me and tell me how many inches you want to add?”
“That sounds great, Doc! I’ll call ya tomorrow!” 5/
“That sounds great, Doc! I’ll call ya tomorrow!” 5/
Next day the doc arrives at his office, sits behind his desk, and the phone rings. It’s the patient.
“Good morning, doctor!”
“Hey—good morning, pal! So tell me, whatcha gonna do?”
Patient says “I talked it over with the wife and, uh— we’re gonna remodel the kitchen!” 6/6
“Good morning, doctor!”
“Hey—good morning, pal! So tell me, whatcha gonna do?”
Patient says “I talked it over with the wife and, uh— we’re gonna remodel the kitchen!” 6/6
When my dad used to tell this joke in front of my stepmom, she would always add at the end, “He married well.”
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner
A: A Flat Miner
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
An impasta
All right, that’s quite enough of that. Good night.
