I think that that day was probably the most scared I have ever been. But being terrified creates an opportunity to be called to courage, and so I think it is the most courageous I have been, too.
I thought I knew at the time how much this would change my world, but I couldn’t have even begun to guess. So much is different than it was five years ago.
Especially as my professional path has shifted, I’ve struggled a little bit to square continuing to be open about this thing that is so essential to who I am with my work, which to the outside world can seem at odds with it.
I worry sometimes that my past colleagues, who work in the victim service space, will see me as someone who doesn’t care anymore about the people, the values, and the truths that brought me to the work.
I worry sometimes that my current colleagues, who work in the defense space, will see me as squeamish or uncommitted to our clients who are accused of a harm too close to what I’ve experienced.
I worry about my clients (some of whom have already told me they’ve found me online!!!!) and whether they believe I will truly stand by their sides, regardless of the circumstances.
But the number one thing that I’ve learned the last five years is that all of these ideas only seem at odds because we force them to be. That at the heart of stories of harm are always people—whole human beings—in complexity and pain.
And that while we may do the unthinkable to one another, what is truly evil are the institutions throughout our society that are indifferent to the pain and harm they cause. That are indifferent to the humanity of the people their action or lack of action impacts.
My story is rooted in the recognition of the ways the systems that are built to “protect” us actually cause harm and compound trauma. And that that’s true not just for me, not just for those society is comfortable labeling as “victim,” but for every person those systems touch.
And my story is rooted in the hope that there is some vision of accountability out there different than the thing I bumped up against, that failed me, and that so many of my clients bump up against, that tries to destroy them. Because we all deserve that.
I am not as loud about this as I used to be, sometimes, because it is hard to explain all of that. And it requires a lot of vulnerability to try hard to express it, knowing that it may be misunderstood by the people I value and admire so much on either “side.”
One thing I love, though, about my current gig and my current life, is that I have found myself feeling called to courage again in a way that feels more similar to that day five years ago.
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