Gday world.
Entering week 5 of being locked out of work after witnessing something very wrong, wrought by my superiors, targeting @timnitGebru.
Exhausted by the endless degradation to save face for the Upper Crust in tech at the expense of minorities' life-long careers.

Constant judgment and alienation as a CS research scientist who doesn't look/talk like what is accepted of tech woman is exhausting. You already know who defines what is "accepted" and how intensely that ejects tech minorities.

I increasingly believe that I stay in situations like this because I live with a chronic hurt that has become indistinguishable from the world I envelop myself in.

If you're a masochist, you will intentionally stay in situations that are harmful for you. That belittle you. You believe you "deserve" it.

I've been publishing in ML/CS for 14 years and have been working in tech for 7.

My career is possible in part because of an intensely honed ability to see and work with patterns. This is arguably why I'm employable at all. That same ability, applied to anything outside of my papers, is largely rejected as being misguided or "in my head".

In other words, even after being a world expert with a long and productive career, I still have not made it to a stage in tech where my thoughts or analytical abilities seem to particularly matter.

Worse than that -- they're regularly regarded as wrong.
Being constantly treated as wrong in a system that creates more barriers and less opportunities for you compared to your male peers is not great.

If you care about your career, you have to therefore "fight" to remove the additional barriers -- see, eg, my current barrier. All of my professional work is actively being taken from me, and has been for weeks.
So I have to start my work from scratch. While being shunned.

You also have to "fight" for opportunities available to your male peers.

You are therefore *aggressive*.
And this is cause for more shunning.

Being myself has meant living with constant pain.

I don't know how @timnitGebru ever had the energy to keep fighting. Where I just get worn out, Dr. Gebru's tirelessness seems to have ended up wearing out her superiors.
And so here we are.