I think some of use have an issue w/ other people knowing what they want when it comes to dating/vetting and being willing to decline what they don’t want when it presents itself, because we can’t do the same. You don’t need to give everything “a chance” if you know what you want

I used to play this little game in my 20s where I’d either try to convince myself that I could get men who were obviously wrong to me to change so they could fit my standard better or that I could change myself to fit their’s rather than saying “this is not going to work for me”

I’d play this game trying to be more “fun” and “outgoing.” I am attracted to extroverts usually so I’d try to “make” myself be more free-spirited, party girl, spontaneous when all I wanted was a quiet night at home because I couldn’t say “I love your energy but that’s not mine. “

I’d play the game with religion, letting a broad “I believe in God” be enough when I really wanted a man who was a professing Christian who would want to go to church with me because I thought my prayers would make him adopt my theological world views.

I even played the game when I tried to convince myself that I was shallow for wanting to date a man who was physically attractive to me and I’d date men who were “nice” but we had zero chemistry because I believed the lie that I looks don’t matter.

Also every time I dishonored myself by not declining the things I knew in my heart that I didn’t want, I regretted it, big time. I also was resentful of men who DID know what they wanted and easily walked away from me because I didn’t know how to easily walk away from them.

For some reason tho, our culture thinks that we are always “owed a chance” or that someone “owes us a chance” even when there are glaring signs that we may not be a good fit for each other.

I think if people took the same approach with dating as they took with some areas of job searching or even ordering food off a menu, they’d be a lot happier with their outcomes. If you know a job doesn’t offer enough money, do you need to “give it a chance”?

If you know you don’t like mayo and you see a sandwich on a menu that has mayo, do you need to “give it a chance” because you’ve never had THIS sandwich or mayo at THIS place? Usually we just decline.

I get that we don’t like being rejected by someone who knows that we don’t measure up to what they want but I also think sometimes we A) Have no firm commitment to knowing what we want and not settling and B) are too scared to have the laser focus others have to not waste time.

It’s easy to get bummed when someone doesn’t like you . It doesn’t diminish how wonderful you are but also I always feel like I I’m not a “Hell Yes!” to a man, I’d rather him find what he really wants. You don’t want to be someone’s “good enough” or “safe choice.”

Also when you think carefully about what you want in a mate and what your non-negotiables are AND when you experience the empowerment of walking away from what doesn’t serve you, you will likely not take it so harshly when others do the same.

In the last 3 years I have started nipping things in the bud when I meet men I don’t fit with and it’s saved time and mental/emotional toil. It protected my peace so I don’t have that “he wasted my time”
mentally. Some of y’all waste your own time giving everyone “a chance.”

My last point is this: if you treat having a man like a “need” rather than a “want” you will be more likely to settle for someone who is not your ideal. When we “need” things we often approach obtaining them with more desperation than when we simply want them.

I bought my new car a few months ago, I wanted one but didn’t need it. The car I had was fine but I just. I had good credit & plenty of money for a down-payment. So I laid my terms down to the salesmen and was clear that I was happy leaving in my Corolla if they weren’t met.

I’d also counted the cost of having to pay for premium gas, higher insurance, the cost of maintenance and the note! I knew was I was willing to agree to before I ever got on the lot.

The Infiniti was beautiful, I wanted it badly, but I didn’t come with the attitude that I was desperate for a newer, nicer car, because I was content with what I already had. So when I eventually left with my new car, I was happy with everything because it was all on my terms.

Now if I would have truly needed a car, the ball may not have been in my court so much and I may have settled and scrimped, accepted a higher payment or been overall dissatisfied after leaving the dealership.

I understand that we all crave relationships and love/ intimacy, but if you place it on the level of a “need” where you’re TAKING what you can get, rather than a “want” where you’re being more selective and honoring yourself/values, you will probably be HAPPIER with what you get.