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i wish i heard folks talk more about love outside of a merely transactional exchange of feelings. how will you know what love is (to you) if you don’t know how to imagine it in a more complete experience?
love doesn’t feel good all the time. it is a constant commitment to the growth and care of yourself and your lover(s) simultaneously, even against your ego, the binary of who’s right/wrong, and the facade of always being “comfortable”.
we must learn how to differentiate when we feel momentary pleasure from a connection, & when we are engaging in love. i’ve noticed that we often find ourselves more connected to the idea of loving a particular kind of person, rather than recognizing authentic compatibility.
to love someone is to be willing to commit to a person objectively, not in fractals. How does loving this person serve you? Where do you/they need to experience growth? Is their growth compatible with where you are powerful? Is there an easeful balance between you in conflict?
communication is foundational. If we don’t communicate well, it’s a compatibility red flag for me. i refuse to struggle through someone else’s need for power in conflict. if we need to defend ourselves, we do not feel safe together and that is a breakdown i cannot ever overlook.
And to be clear, when I say “love doesn’t always feel good” that does NOT mean that to love means to endure harm. It means that the growth you water in one another won’t always feel comfortable, but our commitment to right relationship means recognizing when you’re wrong. period.
When you love someone, you’re committed to holding space for their needs, while setting boundaries for your own. It’s a delicate balance of intentional care, ease, growth, and justice. it means recognizing and uprooting abuse power dynamics wherever possible. Love as equity.
If you ain’t got it down, trust your process. It might take a couple broken hearts for real. It did for me. But i’ll tell you this, the love I know now is ABSOLUTELY worth it. I wouldn’t change a moment because I know love has transformed me. I deserve the love I have now.
Plant and water the seeds. Reap the harvest. Move your land. Shape a new home make family y’all. Love is a freedom language you get to create. Fuck the shit the world saying. Take the chance, fall in love, change your mind, grow some more, try again. Trust your journey baby. 
and read all about love: new visions by bell hooks. let it change you.
