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In my son’s small high school, he had multiple friends who transitioned. One was another male who socially transitioned in senior high. The outcome for him has been much different than for my son. 1/
Like my son, the friend was a kid always on the outskirts of friend groups, if not totally rejected. Once he became a girl, though, he was the center of the popular crowd’s attention. Girls who wouldn’t look sideways at him now had dress up sleepovers with him. 2/
Everyone commented on how he’d come out of his shell. Amazing what a little sunlight and water can do for a flower, isn’t it? Of course he was happier! My son also bloomed with the attention of the girls he so desperately wanted to notice him. 3/
His parents struggled, like we have. His dad took a hard line with him but his mom kept talking. She swallowed her fears, her confusion, and listened and gently challenged sometimes. She wasn’t online, she followed her instincts. I followed advice, pushed my instincts down. 4/
He went to a doctor for hormones. The doctor said, “Let’s wait on that. It’s a new field, I think it might be unsafe” Because the son felt safe with his mother, he talked about this and trusted her judgement. He agreed to wait awhile. My son secretly ordered hormones online. 5/
The friend didn’t feel the need to go to a therapist as his mom was filling that role. My son wouldn’t speak to me by this time, but agreed to go to therapy and was given a letter for HRT after a couple visits. 6/
Then the friend found a girlfriend. They dated for awhile, he experienced friendship and romance, and he knew he could be loved.
My son’s self-hatred and shame grew as he spent more time alone in his bedroom online. 7/
My son’s self-hatred and shame grew as he spent more time alone in his bedroom online. 7/
The friend grew older, had doubts and was comfortable expressing them to his mom. (The girls who made him a project in high school had long since dropped him.) My son clung to those “friendships” and continued to see us as abusive bigots, as dictated by them and Reddit. 8/
The friend’s parents encouraged his independence, had faith that he would figure it out. Eventually after some time living alone, he realized who he was. He talked to his mom and leaned on her as he dealt with the confusion and sadness. As usual, she proudly stood by him. 9/
Now he has found a loving girlfriend, and he is confident in himself as a man. The relationship with his parents is healthy and strong, and he appreciates his mother’s friendship and love. 10/
My son is in a relationship that is dependant on his female identity, as his gf identifies as lesbian and is a trans activist. I don’t know if anyone challenges his fantasy. He knows how we feel. I won’t lie to him, but we don’t discuss it. 11/
The two boys were and are different people, and I understand no two paths or outcomes are ever the same. My son represses difficult emotions and is as stubborn as a mule. The friend was more curious and open. But there are things to learn by comparing the two stories. 12/
To parents newly in this, be the friend’s mom. Listen to your instincts. Don’t outsource your relationship. Recognize that your child has been captured and be gentle. Let him know you want to hear him. Don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations. 13/
This won’t go away on its own. Try “watchful waiting” and before you know it, your son will be 22, driving away to live in a house of cards made of dreams of life as a woman. We did lots right, but a few changes may have made a big difference. 14/14
