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Pastors who grew up in dysfunctional families often form their own addiction called: codependency.
This codependency began w/ managing, appeasing, & pleasing our dysfunctional parent. Now, it plays out w/ managing, appeasing, & pleasing our congregations.
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This codependency began w/ managing, appeasing, & pleasing our dysfunctional parent. Now, it plays out w/ managing, appeasing, & pleasing our congregations.
1/
In codependent relationships, the alcoholic, for example, is addicted to alcohol, the codependent is addicted to alcoholic.
As much as the codependent would like to be free of the alcoholic, as destructive as the alcoholic is to their life, they cannot break themselves free. 2/
As much as the codependent would like to be free of the alcoholic, as destructive as the alcoholic is to their life, they cannot break themselves free. 2/
As children of dysfunctional parents, we developed a keen ability to manage & manipulate the feelings & actions of those around us as a means of self-protection. However, overtime, we began to function this way in every relationship. It was ‘addictive’ b/c of what it got us. 3/
Instinctively we began to appease everyone’s anger, manage everyone’s feelings, & at our worst, manipulate others w/ our niceness & charm.
This is why we are so easily liked, we have a powerful ability to discern other’s expectations of us & then meet those expectations. 4/
This is why we are so easily liked, we have a powerful ability to discern other’s expectations of us & then meet those expectations. 4/
Like most addictions, this codependency serves us well as pastors, until it doesn’t. Pleasing people, managing their feelings, and managing their reactions eventually exhausts us emotionally. And yet, we can’t give it up, we don’t know how to function non-codependently. 5/
In other words, as much as we hate doing it, we as Pastors from dysfunctional families become addicted to pleasing people, managing feelings, and meeting others expectations of us. Certainly it has its ‘highs,’ but it’s ‘hangovers’ are as equally and increasingly unbearable. 6/
We find ourselves distraught over our inability to appease that chronically critical church member. For some reason we are desperate to please them and keep them, even though they hinder the mission of the church and drain us emotionally. We hate it, but we need it. 7/
We wish others could be upset with us and we weren’t ruined by it.
We wish we could assert ourselves without feeling guilty for it.
We wish we could stop trying to read everyone else’s mind before making a decision.
But we can’t. As much as we hate it. We can’t shake it. 8/
We wish we could assert ourselves without feeling guilty for it.
We wish we could stop trying to read everyone else’s mind before making a decision.
But we can’t. As much as we hate it. We can’t shake it. 8/
We have become dependent on others for ‘hits’ of purpose, significance, acceptance, & value. When this becomes the driving force of our ministerial endeavors, it inevitably leads to a rock bottom of emotional exhaustion & burnout. I’ve been there. It isn’t pretty. 9/
If this sounds familiar to your life and experience, hear this not as judgment or criticism, I am in this with you.
Instead, receive this as an ‘intervention.’
Today, God is starting something new in you. It’s a fork in the road. Will you choose the narrow way to life? 10/
Instead, receive this as an ‘intervention.’
Today, God is starting something new in you. It’s a fork in the road. Will you choose the narrow way to life? 10/
You can find a first few steps on how to address our codependency as Pastors here:
11/11 https://www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2020/october-web-exclusives/codependent-pastor-ministry-church-approval-boundaries.html
11/11 https://www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2020/october-web-exclusives/codependent-pastor-ministry-church-approval-boundaries.html
