I keep thinking about the whole “if you’re ace & you have consensual sex/aro & are in a romantic relationship you’re predatory” thing and just how inaccurate it is & it feels especially important to talk about so (for context I’m demisexual/gray ace & panromantic)

I used to think all I was worth was if other people were sexually attracted to me- that all I could give in a relationship was physical pleasure & intimacy. I took it personally if I was unattractive because I didn’t think of myself as having worthwhile qualities.

BUT that person liking or not liking me in that way had NOTHING to DO with ME. That was that person’s decision. My own insecurities were not their fault or their job to fix. Younger me didn’t realize that, though.

Younger me wanted to be rescued. Younger me wanted someone to sweep me away to somewhere better. They wanted to be whatever the other person wanted, and worried far more about if they other person liked them than if they liked their partner at all.

Younger me was taught that you only got to love one person, and the ultimate act of love was to have sex with that person. Therefore, if you didn’t have sex, it meant you didn’t care for them - and that there was nothing worthwhile about you. And I internalized that.

I look back at those relationships from this time and I can’t help but feel hollow. For all their intensity, they were brief; never sustainable. Never healthy. Always a flash in the pan, and when they ended I felt like a frog just beginning to realize it was being boiled.

In my last relationship- a few years ago now- I decided that I didn’t want to be who I had been. I wanted to be healthier, happier. I wanted to assert my needs and actually really think about if I wanted to be with the person at all. I wanted to WANT it, not just to not be alone.

I was careful. Cautious. I was emotional, but I didn’t immediately seek the new relationship for emotional support and didn’t immediately have sex the second I was aroused just because it was there. I did something no relationship guidebook or movie had ever suggested: I waited.

I don’t mean I waited for marriage(fuck purity culture). I was waiting to see if it was what I wanted. I waited until I wanted to be physically intimate; until I’d known for a while. I waited until I knew we might be to disclose my past. I waited until attraction formed & stayed.

And during this relationship, I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I’d been thinking for a long time about all the performing and pretending I’d done, how confusing it all was, how I felt like I was trying to pull a blanket over a bottomless, empty pit.

But I wasn’t empty. Nothing was wrong with me. I just didn’t have the words for what I wasn’t experiencing- for the difference in experience of sexual attraction and therefore also with romantic relationships. I was exhausted; pretending eventually became more tiring than not.

I came out to my partner. And on Instagram. “I’m demisexual. I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore,” I said to him. I expected him to leave me, to think I wasn’t worthwhile. But he still wanted to be with me. He, a heterosexual cisgender man, respected me.

We had already had sex a few times before this. Each time he had taken care to make sure he had my full consent, even stopping immediately if he was unsure if a sound I’d made was protest or pleasure. We enjoyed our intimate time together, different sexualities and all.

We didn’t stay together, but I can honestly say that my relationship with both him & myself (and hopefully future partners) was so much healthier because I was finally honest with both him & myself about my sexuality; I wasn’t putting it on him to fix what wasn’t broken anymore.

And I think that’s what the idea behind “oh if you have sex consensually but you aren’t attracted to them in that way/if you’re in a romantic relationship but aren’t attracted to them in that way” is missing - what WE need for healthy relationships.

Because no amount of pretending - no amount of posturing, no amount of makeup, no amount of body modification or prayer or whatever it is you’ve convinced yourself will let others love you - will make up for you being honest with YOURSELF first.

The adage “no one can love you unless you love yourself”is bullshit. People fall for those who don’t love themselves all the time; if you love yourself isn’t the determining factor. But regardless loving yourself - or at the very least being honest with yourself-is a good thing.

No matter what, you will spend your whole life with you. And being honest with yourself, getting to know yourself, saying out loud “I don’t experience sexual/romantic attraction” in a world that demands that of us even at the cost of our true selves - that is not a bad thing.

It is not predatory to date while being ace and/or aro. It just isn’t. It’s healthy to say “here’s who I am, and if you leave I’ll still have me.” Losing relationships is very hard - but we all deserve a life where we give as much to ourselves as we do to others.

For me, coming out as demisexual/gray ace was something that helped my relationship. I was finally being honest with myself and who I was with. We’re no longer together, but he is still one of my closest friends, and I’m thankful I could come out safely to him.

Aces &aros deserve relationships where we get to own our own identities without being told we’re bad people just by virtue of existing. Everyone deserves that. & by GOD I hope that being ace and/or aro will be so accepted in a year that threads like this will seem utterly moot.

You are more than a warm body. You are a person deserving of respect, orientation and all. And being out & honest with your partner - that is something you deserve, even if you’re asexual and/or aromantic or at any point on these spectrums.

Communication in all relationships is healthy. Necessary. This can mean communicating your sexual and/or romantic attraction. It may mean that you two aren’t right for each other. It may mean coming out in public with a friend, to feel safe. Safety is always first.

(Definitely safety first. I do not want anyone’s coming out to result in them being in danger. It’s important to note that violence towards our communities do exist, and if you don’t feel safe coming out to a partner, I hope you know you deserve better.)

BUT. You’re not predatory. Being ace and or aro is not a predatory existence. You’re experiencing life differently than what’s expected of you. And there is nothing wrong with you for that. I promise.