my first meeting w my therapist i talked to her about how lonely i was and how i just wish i had a man around to love on my and she asked me why it has to come from a man/be romantic and i thought that was the goofiest question id ever heard

fast forward x amount of years later, im able to see what she was getting at but still struggling to really *feel* it. tv and rom coms and the media and capitalism and generational stuff and blah blah blah, so much makes us feel like the realest form of love is the romantic kind

and on top of that, that the romantic type of love has to look in one exact and specific way to count, to be the *right* kind

but look, motherfuckers dont always be acting right and i hate the thought of not saying those words or expression lurve bc cupid is nearsighted

*expressing. ahem.

so i just wanna say that if this day makes you feel extra single or unloved or alone i absolutely get it

but i just wanna remind you not to forget to allow and appreciate types of love that you dont see on tv in your real life bc u deserve

& not to discount the love that you are absolutely positively capable of giving *yourself* and to remember that that pursuit is 100000000% as valid and healing and necessary as the kind of love my therapist challenged me on when i was like 'well duh it has to come from a man'

and if youre wondering 'is tracy drunk right now?' id like to first say mind your business and second to say that i absolutely am and thirdly to remind you to revisit the first thing in this list

but anyway man idk. its completely possible to learn how to give yourself the things that youre wishing someone else was around to provide. i clearly thought it was a lie but one of the things that i must admit she was right about is this one.

i had it EXTRA bad for a terrible awful damaged emotionally abusive motherfucker at an extremely vulnerable time in my life and it took years but i realized that what i wanted him for was confirmation that i was a lovable person and not the huge piece of shit i thought

and sooooo much changed for me when i realized that. we're told from the day we're spat out into this motherfucker that loving ourselves is the first important thing without being taught at all how to do it, not at ALL. but we have plenty magazine articles, movies& tv shows +

to teach us how to love OTHER people, *especially* ones who dont even fucking deserve it, but we're left clueless as to how to love our own selfs. and if we figure it out somebody's there to call us conceited or difficult or hard to work with or cold or distant or something

but maaaan once i started to learn and believe that it was possible to consider myself and all my annoying parts (there are SO MANY) and ashy scars (both on my heart and my body) and not want to run away screaming? that that person could actually make me smile?

i needed that person's validation so much less, and i kept needing it less until i didnt need it anymore.

and thats what i think love, at its purest form, is. romantic, platonic, whatever--there are some constants that come w love, the most important one being protection

like, a need to protect. a worthiness to protect. bc when you love someone you dont want to let anything bad happen to them and you'll do your all to keep harm from them, whether yall fucking or not. that comes with loving someone

and you can feel that way about yourself. i know it sounds fake! but when you act recklessly in ways that could really get you fucked up some kinda how, theres a chance that you maybe dont love yourself like you love other ppl to whom youd say 'hey dont do this, its bad for you.'

also you can feel that way about other people whether theyre allowed to touch your bikini parts or not, whether they give great head or not, whether or not yall dress alike and go to the mall and hold hands and take olan mills pictures together or not

hugs are important! touch is important! support is important! companionship is important! like physically! it impacts our nervous systems! it does shit to your brain! the love that gives you access to these things is important to body and mind and survival! celebrate it all!

and you deserve it! you deserve it. you deserve it. you deserve all of that and more and if it keeps you alive, if it makes you feel alive, if it it nourishing even when it doesnt feel like it is, isnt it worth celebrating? does love really need russel stovers' permission?

romance is a cute idea but an idea is all it is. also capitalism has absolutely corroded it until its nothing more than a commercial meant to make us feel bad for the things we dont have vs celebrating what we do, or seeking for it in places where it costs nothing

just as im one of those annoying ppl who says theyre 'more spiritual than religious' but then prays to the same god that was forced upon me as a kid, im also one of those annoying ppl who says that this day doesnt matter even while craving each and every corny part of it

so im an authority on absolutely nothing. i still miss the painful interactions w the keeper of my validation from way back before i was able to generate it myself. and you can count the things that i absolutely know for sure on one hand, but one of them is this:

love is love. between whomever, for whatever reason, no matter the adjectives you hook to it, no matter what anyone else says. love is love and you deserve it. love is love and there are fountains all around you.

'romantic' is a word
but its love that is love

ok i told myself id log off once this started sounding like a spoken word poem so im out but HAPPY VALENTIMES DAY! make it what you want! galentimes it up! palentimes it down! ignore it all! but pls try hard to be kind to urself bc you are the person who deserves your love most