On the one hand, I don't want to use past trauma as an excuse to mistreat others or respond poorly. On the other, I have to have reasonable expectations of myself, otherwise, I'll never feel good enough for anyone.

So, here's a lil thread about expectation setting:

I grew up in a home where sociopathy and narcissism were the norm. I was taught how to commit suicide when I was about 4 years old. I was told that if I ever ran away, I'd have to live under a bridge. I was told if I ever betrayed my dad, he'd shoot my family and then himself.

I lived in constant fear for my entire childhood, up until I moved out and married Jason at 21. I still frequently feel afraid. I had recurring nightmares of my dad murdering me and/or raping me starting when I was about 10 years old and ongoing until I was over 30.

My dad beat me black and blue on multiple occasions. Sometimes my mom witnessed it. Sometimes she didn't. Nobody intervened or called 911. When I complained, I was told that if I was a good little girl, maybe dad would see Jesus in me, and change, and become a good daddy.

That does something to a person.

You don't bounce back from that.

And you know what? That's OK.

It's OK to get upset when people treat you in ways that remind you of your abuser. It's painful and messy, but it's understandable. It's natural, given what you've been through. Nobody should EVER expect you to act superhuman or to tolerate their sin. If they do, cut them off.

People who love you will see your pain and react mercifully. My husband texts or calls when he's on his way home, so I don't panic when I hear the door opening. My kids don't sneak up behind me, because they know that gives me an adrenaline rush.

Is it a bummer that my loved ones have had to learn how to not trigger me? Sure. Frankly, it sucks.

But anytime you're in a relationship with anyone, you have to learn about their likes and dislikes, their loves and their fears. So, yeah, this is hard. But it's also 100% normal.

I even have Twitter friends who I disagree with on certain emotionally charged topics, but who keep scrolling whenever I post about those things, because they know that disagreeing with me publicly will cause me anxiety because I'll feel like they're angry with me.

(Yeah, I see you and you're spiritually mature scrolling skills! Thanks )

Do I want people to walk on egg-shells around me? Of course not! That would be terrible, and actually psychologically abusive.

But at the same time, part of loving someone means not poking their wounds, not pressing on their bruises, and not kicking them when they're down.

We all have scars.

Even Jesus has scars in his hands and side.

It's OK to have scars. We shouldn't be ashamed of being sad, or angered, or hurt by evil.

Because God is too.

And there's something really beautiful and profound about being able to feel a fragment of how He does.