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1: T'was Christmas Eve of my 17th year and I was madly in love for the first (and maybe last time) ever.
Missy Melissy was the gal whose tailbone I accidentally broke in 6th grade...redneck gentleman since Underoos I was. @jeannetix
Missy Melissy was the gal whose tailbone I accidentally broke in 6th grade...redneck gentleman since Underoos I was. @jeannetix
2: I was driving Missy home and she says she has a Christmas present for ol' Hoss and tells me to find some place dark and quiet, no small feat in our tiny rural village.
Man, my mind races...I'm excited at the possibilities: beef jerky? A new Caterpillar hat? What could it be?
Man, my mind races...I'm excited at the possibilities: beef jerky? A new Caterpillar hat? What could it be?
3: I finally find the only place that makes sense: the closed fairgrounds buggy horseracing track that has 18 inches of snow on it.
I put my pop's Subaru Loyale in 4WD and hammer it down the straightaway.
I get like 500 meters in and get stuck. Like stuck till spring stuck.
I put my pop's Subaru Loyale in 4WD and hammer it down the straightaway.
I get like 500 meters in and get stuck. Like stuck till spring stuck.
4: Missy Melissy tells me to forget about and join her in the backseat to get my present.
She's nekkid, holding a jar of moonshine from her daddy's still.
Now, this is premium redneck fuel, so obviously I ignore her and drink deep.
She's nekkid, holding a jar of moonshine from her daddy's still.
Now, this is premium redneck fuel, so obviously I ignore her and drink deep.
5: I'm right smashed in about 10 minutes and am powerless to Missy's advances.
In a fit of passion, I toss my pants and jacket out the window and down an embankment...into the pitch blackness.
I care not in the moment.
In a fit of passion, I toss my pants and jacket out the window and down an embankment...into the pitch blackness.
I care not in the moment.
6: So, I drink and lay there, giggle as Missy has her way with me.
"So, I was expecting beef jeeeerky," I slur.
Missy Melissy is annoyed for some unknowable reason.
Damned if I'll ever understand women.
"So, I was expecting beef jeeeerky," I slur.
Missy Melissy is annoyed for some unknowable reason.
Damned if I'll ever understand women.
7: Finally, I become so drunk, my obnoxiousness is no longer charming and Missy is Pissy!
I sez to her "You need to. Calm. The. Fuck. Down." *giggle*
It has the opposite effect.
She banishes me outside. In my underwear. At minus 25C.
I sez to her "You need to. Calm. The. Fuck. Down." *giggle*
It has the opposite effect.
She banishes me outside. In my underwear. At minus 25C.
8: This predicament requires all of my heretofore acquired redneck ninja skill.
Only one option: scream wildly and Banzai charge down the embankment and find my clothes
I go ass over tea kettle and tumble through the darkness.
Only one option: scream wildly and Banzai charge down the embankment and find my clothes
I go ass over tea kettle and tumble through the darkness.
11: When I come to, it's pitch black.
I'm reasonably certain that I've died and am in Purgatory...thanks Catholic grandma.
I can't find my clothes, so Plan B time: bearcrawl through the snow to use the pay phone at the general store.
I'm reasonably certain that I've died and am in Purgatory...thanks Catholic grandma.
I can't find my clothes, so Plan B time: bearcrawl through the snow to use the pay phone at the general store.
12: I finally get to the phone...salvation is at hand!
I have no change, so I call MENSA Genius Ronnie collect.
No answer.
So I call the only local tow guy...who happens to be Missy Melissy's dad.
I have no change, so I call MENSA Genius Ronnie collect.
No answer.
So I call the only local tow guy...who happens to be Missy Melissy's dad.
13: He comes out to pick me up.
He wonders why I'm in my underwear...and where his daughter is.
"We we were practicing cold weather training for the upcoming Voyager/Guides camping trip, sir," I tell him.
He wonders why I'm in my underwear...and where his daughter is.
"We we were practicing cold weather training for the upcoming Voyager/Guides camping trip, sir," I tell him.
14: He desperately wants to believe me, so I jump in his truck and he powers through to the car.
I'm pretty pleased with myself, cuz he bought the story and even lent me an extra pair of boots and overalls.
I pat myself on the back.
I'm pretty pleased with myself, cuz he bought the story and even lent me an extra pair of boots and overalls.
I pat myself on the back.
15: All is well, until he shines the flashlight into the car and notices his nekkid, drunk daughter in the backseat.
Now, I've never seen a man turn that purple in my life.
He stares me down, walks to his truck, grabs an axe...and swings it at my head.
Now, I've never seen a man turn that purple in my life.
He stares me down, walks to his truck, grabs an axe...and swings it at my head.
16: I duck. *SMASH*
There goes the back window of my dad's car.
"You're just lucky I don't castrate you, boy!" this grizzly bear of a man growls at me.
"Uh, yes SIR!" I say.
There goes the back window of my dad's car.
"You're just lucky I don't castrate you, boy!" this grizzly bear of a man growls at me.
"Uh, yes SIR!" I say.
