Did you know that there were early modern pin up girls? Some of the hottest of hotties in the court of Charles II were captured by painter Peter Lely in a series of paintings called the Windsor Beauties. But who were these badass ladies? Good question.

LET'S DO A MEGA THREAD!

First up is Frances Teresa Stuart/Stewart, Dutchess of Richmond and Lennox. Her hotness was captured by Lely around 1662 when she was a teenager and somewhat new to court, possibly wearing the "welcome to court" pearls Charles II was said to have given her:

When we talk about historical hotties, it is hard to compare anyone to Frances. She was, like, super hot. She was born in Paris, France in 1647 to a family in exile but was able to finally join the English court after the Restoration. There everyone was enamored with her.

Pretty much everyone in court wrote about how beautiful she was. Immediately Frances had many suitors. She was described as happy and full of laughter. She was an excellent listener, with an air of coquettish charm from her French upbringing. She was lively and perfectly dressed.

The person she caught the eye of, however, was King Charles II, which was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, having the heart of a king could bring her great power at court, but on the other hand, the dude was already married, which meant she'd only be a mistress.

While she played the lighthearted bimbo full of laughter and adorableness, underneath she was actually quite intelligent. She knew being a mistress would not secure her future, so she did what she needed to do to retain a hope for a good match: Reject the advances of the king.

So what did the king do? Like other men who don't take the hint that no means no, he took it as a challenge. The more she turned away his advances, the more he fell in love with her. It was obsessive. He wanted her with him at every moment. The whole court was talking about it.

Samuel Pepys, the infamous diarist, wrote about seeing her the first time: Mrs. Stewart in this dress, with her hat cooked and a red plume, with her sweet eye, little roman nose, and excellent taille, is now the greatest beauty I ever saw, I think, in my life."

Charles II was considerably older, 32 years old to her 15 years of age, and was already entangled with long time mistress Lady Castlemaine. The couple, however, blew hot & cold. Castlemaine gave him kids, but also took lovers of her own. They were the "Bad Romance" of England.

By contrast, Frances was sweet, innocent, and consistent in her charm. Charles II couldn't give her up. He tried everything to get her affection, and his persistence led to rumors about Frances giving in. But she didn't. This went on for YEARS. She was kind, but not interested.

Everyone wanted her portrait, being a 17th century supermodel, so many portraits of her exist, some commissioned by Charles II himself. Notably, she is depicted in both men's and women's attire. (Note: she wasn't the only early modern lady to crossdress!) It upped her sex appeal.

I mean...how hot is she dressed as a guy, amiright?!

(Yes, these are real extant portraits of her dressed up as a dude.)

Of course, it wouldn't be the 17th century without some Greco-Roman kink thrown into the portraiture. (Her boobs and legs look amazing in these paintings, BTW:)

When Queen Catherine suddenly became ill, rumors flew around court that, should she die, Charles II was prepared to marry Frances. In fact, rumors of his divorcing his wife to marry Frances also circulated. Charles II attended to his sick wife while also pursuing Frances.

As Frances grew into her later teen years, the pressure to become the king's mistress was taking its toll on her. While the king remained kind and persistent, there was real danger in refusing him for so long. Meanwhile, many men earnestly pursued her hand. Something had to give.

Footnote: The things dudes did for love of Frances were a mix of both epic and dumb. For instance, George Hamilton won her attention by walking around with two lit candles in his mouth. Another suitor went on a suicidal naval mission, wanting to die than live without her love.

Enter Charles Stuart, 3rd Earl of Richmond. He was in his 20s, widowed twice, and known as a bit of a party animal. Somehow, however, he caught her eye, and the two of them began courting in secret. Why? Cuz she was pretty much being stalked by the king.

Like, seriously. He would regularly crash girls' night just to be next to her. There are even stories of Frances waking up and finding him in her room. Just...not not good.

Remember Lady Castlemaine, the main mistress of Charles II? Well, she wasn't exactly a fan of Frances, and when she discovered their little secret, she made sure to tell the king.

The jig was up.

How this went down was every tabloid editor's dream. C

Casltemaine waited to tell the king until one night when Frances left the company of the king and his court early one evening, feigning a headache. The reality was that she was secretly meeting Richmond in her chamber. The king, when hearing this, flew into a rage.

He marched to Frances' quarters to confirm this. He blew past the three maids Frances had posted as her lookout and burt into the bedroom. There Frances laid, tucked neatly in bed, with Richmond sitting on her pillow, all fully clothed. At this the king totally lost it.

(King)

So what does our brave paramour Richmond do at this moment as the king is screaming at Frances for her "betrayal"?

Fucking tucks tail and runs, that's what, leaving Frances to deal with the irate king alone.

What a great guy, eh?

With the king devastated and now in a jealous rage, having instantly banned Richmond from court in retaliation, Frances gaining the king's blessing for marriage to the earl was out of the question.

So she decided to pull rank and ask the queen for help.

(Queen Catherine)

Catherine pleaded on behalf of Frances, reminding the king how bad it would look if he didn't grant her request, so reluctantly the king agreed but hatched a new plan: prolong the wedding preparations indefinitely until he could find a way to break them up.

I'm not joking.

So you know what this badass lady did when it became clear this is what the king was up to?

SHE FUCKING ELOPED, THAT'S WHAT.

Needless to say, the king was absolutely beside himself. He was hurt. Angry. Emasculated. I mean, what did this dude have that he didn't?

(Pic of Richmond)

Frances tried to regain some form of friendship with the king, but like an asshole, he couldn't possibly conceive of just being friends with a girl who didn't like him back. She was out of favor, much to the glee of Castlemaine...

...until Frances got sick with smallpox.

Ignoring the advice of his doctors and advisors, Charles ran to Frances' bedside. As she lay ill, she asked for his forgiveness and it was granted. She got well, but the scars marred her beauty. Even so, the king remained besotted, even climbing over her garden wall to see her.

The king reluctantly came around to having Frances as a friend, although records suggest he remained hopeful, and granted her husband several commissions, such as being the English embassador to Denmark. He helped Frances secure land and financial stability.

Despite her being married and scarred, she retained some of her pin up status, continuing to pose for portraits and even being chosen by the king as the model for some commemorative coins celebrating some of the king's military victories.

You may have heard of her:

Britannia.

In fact, Frances continued to be the face of Britannia for years, being honored by the king by being placed on the currency of the day:

In 1672, her husband died while serving as embassador in the Danish court. By then, the king had seemed to have gotten mostly over his obsession, and kept her in his favor as a friend, with the occasional flirtation towards her according to some records. He secured her a pension.

Frances never remarried. She worked diligently at making her remaining estates profitable. She died in 1702 at the age of 55. For centuries, her likeness has continued to be used as the face of Britannia on several British coins.

Hundreds of years later, her image is still a nationally circulated pin-up. That's her on 2006 printing of the British 50p coin.

I don't think a lady can get more badass than that.

Addendum: Richmond was a duke, not an earl. I'm American. Go easy on me!

Appendix 1: A lot of poems had been written about Frances and to her. My fav has got to be Lord Mulgrave's "Elegy to the Duchess of R--." He was one of her admirers and was horrified that she married such an asshole, so he wrote a poem about it:

https://books.google.com/books?id=BRxi-C92xHAC&pg=PA17&lpg=PA17&dq=mulgrave+elegy+to+the+duchess&source=bl&ots=E_ieCATlZy&sig=ACfU3U3TVHQw7a0w18nLt_2N5MTWj57OGw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjLs8nJoOjuAhWUU80KHQ1fDBwQ6AEwAnoECAwQAQ#v=onepage&q=mulgrave%20elegy%20to%20the%20duchess&f=false

Footnote: Her husband did have a lot of debt due to his lavish lifestyle and had been noted for being a drunk, but the letters between him and his wife reveal two very intelligent, focused, caring, mature individuals. It makes you wonder if their bimbo/himbo thing was all an act.

Oh, and she totally took over the finances. Her husband ultimately gave her all the financial power to run their estates and investments, which she did brilliantly. This "childish," "silly" "slut", as Pepys called her, was actually really good with numbers.

WAIT A MINUTE! I FORGOT ABOUT THE DAMN PARROT!

Frances had a pet parrot for most of her adult life. According to the story, it was about 40 years old and died within a couple of days of Frances' death. As was the custom at the time, she ordered a wax effigy to be made of herself in her coronation robes.

The parrot was to be preserved and put next to her. According to Westminster Abbey, this may be the oldest taxidermied parrot in existence. If the story of the parrot is correct, she probably came over from France with it. It is very well preserved.

This parrot has definitely seen some shit.