I want to talk about why I am very sensitive to the use of ableist language by anyone - ESPECIALLY me.

I grew with PTSD, depression, anxiety and possibly ADHD caused by war and abuse. (Was born in the middle of a Civil War and witnessed a ton of violence including corpses)

The country I'm talking about here is Afghanistan. We Afghans - for a variety of reasons including because of war destroying our health infrastructure - generally tend to look at mental health as not as important as physical health. So... when I was growing up (cont.)

(TW sexual and physical abuse) (cont.)

words like depression and anxiety didn't exist around me both in Afghanistan and after my family became refugees in Pakistan when I was 5. I had no idea what they were. Neither did I have words for "abuse", sexual, physical or emotional.

Of course just because I didn't have "words" for what had happened to me or what was happening to me did not mean they didn't affect me. Nor does it mean that I didn't display serious effects of abuse and mental illness. I don't want to get too into it, but (cont.)

(More TW for abuse, suicidal ideation)

(cont.) things were horrible. I'd stay up really late at night in bed. Sometimes crying. Sometimes just cursing my luck. But most of the time, I just hoped to not exist. Literally, I went to bed, hoping never to wake up. I was 7.

(TW ableist language, abuse, bullying)

Now that you know how I felt, let me tell you how society treated me.

My nickname was crazy. No, my nickname wasn't outlandish. It was LITERALLY "Crazy". Got to a point where schoolmates, neighborhood kids, even family used it.

(TW ableist language, abuse, bullying)

And when they didn't call me "Crazy", they would blame the tiniest little mistakes I made (as a child of 7-12) by chalking it up to, "Oh, Josh is just crazy. Like, mentally ill."

Mind you, none of these people offered to get me help.

I was so young, I didn't even know *help* existed. I didn't even know that there was such a thing as being "saved" by adults. I grew up around adults who themselves were both powerless and under extreme stress because of war, being a refugee and being impoverished.

I remember once one of the rich kids beat me up. He was bigger. I was smaller. I always fought back. ALWAYS. So I probably landed a punch or two. (I'm probably like 10 and he's 12?)

Anyway, he shows up with one of their house servants whom I also know to complain to my fam.

Baba, the house servant, (whose name I forget now, but we all called him Baba, which means grandfather), was talking to an adult from my family as we the kids were standing there. The other kid was super happy because he knew that I'd get in trouble because of the power dynamic.

The adult from my fam apologized and then told Baba that they would punish "Crazy" for hurting the other kid. That's when Baba came close to me and was like, "Hold on. What's that thing on your head."

I was bleeding from my head because the other kid had hit me with a rock.

(TW abuse of a child)

Baba took the other kid away and the adult from my fam came back home and told the story to everyone while laughing about it. I don't remember who cleaned my wound, but someone did.

I was just glad I hadn't been whipped. Probably with a plastic hose.

(TW ableist language, suicidal ideation)

I cried that night. Like so many other nights. I grew up in a religion where suicide meant going straight to hell. For eternity. And you got taught that daily. So suicide was never a consideration. I just wished I didn't exist.

(TW ableist language)

But more important, I think I accepted that I was crazy after that. Both "Crazy" and crazy. Made sense. And obviously being crazy meant there was no cure. No doctor I could go to. This would be my life. Forever. People calling me crazy. Me being crazy.

I wanted to give up.

But I didn't. I know now I didn't give up because now I know the power of words. Back then, I just... every time I tried to give up, or try to just lay low, someone would use the word "crazy" and I'd go crazy. I would fight and defend myself.