I never get bored when I'm alone.

And by "alone" I mean: In a sense-friendly environment, nobody disturbing me.

Like, if someone on a train is talking on the phone so that I can clearly hear them, I can't concentrate on my own thoughts. They are taking away my space, forcing my attention on them.

I do sometimes get bored in company though. Especially in groups larger than, say 3 people.

Depends on the people and group of course. And what we are doing.

If they are talking about something interesting and there's new information for me, I can just sit back and listen and learn and enjoy. Or if I find it meaningful to participate and there's space for that without having to force it.

Otherwise, it's boring and waste of time.

Otherwise it's just noise, sensory pollution, that only takes my energy and doesn't give me anything back.

Not worth spending my short life on that.

Same applies in twitter. Random men keep mansplaining stupid things to me and call it "conversation" or "new insights" or "different kind of thinking", like it was something new and revolutionary. But they always just repeat the same conservative shit without even thinking.

So when I choose not to spend my precious time and energy on debating about things I already researched and thought through at least 10 years ago, they say: "Oh, so you can't take criticism!" or "Oh, so you are not receptive to opinions different than your own!"

Or they call me arrogant.

Well, it's not my fault if I happen to be better informed on the subject than they are.

Choosing what I spend my time on is not arrogant. It's claiming agency of my own life.

For some reason, it's almost always men that are offended by me not being grateful for their Victorian "teachings", or not accepting their "challenge" for a "debate", or not being interested in their "feedback" about me.

I used to be a people pleaser. At a huge expense of fairness, justice and my own well-being.

It was required from me.

Because of my gender, it is still required from me.
But I don't conform to it so much anymore.

Not conforming to social roles is often confused with being rude

But there's a huge amount of injustice baked into the social roles. Things that most people are not aware of, and do not pay attention to.

So if I simply act like what would be perfectly socially acceptable for a man, I'm considered to be rude or arrogant.

I get this a lot.

But the judgement about being rude or arrogant is based on feelings, not consideration and thought and logic.

People are not aware of their biases. How they expect different kind of behavior from men and women. Or young people and older people.

Or, from people with whatever makes their social status higher or lower.

Lower status people are expected to conform and to please. Higher status people are more free to express their opinions, keep their boundaries, make their own decisions etc.

I think one of the reasons why some people get so provoked by me just existing, is that I don't bow to social status. I do recognise them, but they don't *mean* much to me, emotionally. People see this as disrespect.

So when a lower status person is being totally matter-of-fact and proper, but not conforming to their corresponding social role, pleasing and groveling, they are considered to be rude or even an asshole.

Not quite fair is it.

I have been actually described as "proper" (asiallinen) and "peaceful" many times in official situations. By doctors, and even by the police, who once put me in jail illegally (as the investigation concluded).

I see I came quite far away from "I never get bored when I'm alone".

Stream of consciousness.

I remember there is this theory about autistic women having a "male brain".

I think a more logical explanation is that what we see as "male brain" or "female brain" is just gender roles.

So if you don't conform to female gender role, they conclude you must have a male brain.

Also, there's this theory that autism is somehow "different" in men and women.

I haven't yet seen a good justification, how it's supposed to be different.

What actually IS different, is gender roles for men and women. And you notice when someone doesn't fill their role.

On being alone: When I was a child, I never had a moment's peace. I didn't have my own room. I was denied all the possibilities of being alone, even when the opportunity occurred naturally, without nobody having to make any effort for it.

Like 1st and 2nd grade after school, when nobody was home yet. I was forced to go to a kindergarten after school. It was really frustrating. I opposed, I said I'd much rather be home alone a couple of hours doing my own things, I'm not an idiot, I can manage.

But no, not allowed

There was no logical reason for denying me the possibility. I wasn't a scatterbrain who was going to burn the apartment or something.

I was told I was intelligent. But how was I to believe that when the actual message was: "You are not competent enough to be alone for 2 hours"

Instead I was forced to spend my time in kindergarten.
It was mistrust and a punishment.

I clearly communicated my needs but they were ignored.

Even as an adult, my family controlled my alone time.

I lived in a shared flat (because of money), and the Christmas was the only time when everyone was away, and there was a chance for some peace and solitude.

I told my family that this year I'm not going to come home (to another city), I want to be alone.

So one of my family members came to visit me and in manipulative ways practically forced me to come home for Christmas.

I was about 20.

I desperately have needed alone time my whole life, and I have suffered a great deal not having it.

It's not a luxury, it's a need.

On manipulation:

It's been a long journey learning to listen to myself again, having been manipulated my whole life.

Manipulation like, I don't actually need what I think I need. Like the alone time. Or peace and quiet. Or peaceful colors. Or clear instructions. Etc, etc.

When I couldn't concentrate when there was somebody talking or noise or some other disturbance, I was told I just have to LEARN to concentrate better.

I tried.

I tried so hard.

Didn't succeed.

Now I no why.

I'm born with this neurotype and these features. I can't change it.

Oh and that isn't the only thing I have tried so hard to change about myself, because I have been demanded to, and in the end it was all waste of time and energy and killing confidence, because changing myself to a neurotypical person was never even possible.

"Just practice, you'll get better at it!"

Nope. Not always. Sometimes it's just banging my head against the wall.

I love learning and I do believe that very many skills are possible with the right kind of patient practice. But I've been struggling with this, because I can't trust that people know what they are talking about, if they say something is possible for me to learn. It might not be.

Or it might be possible, but with a different kind of teaching.

I can't trust that the teacher knows what they are doing. I have to judge for myself, if some exercises are useful for me, or if they are a waste of time. Often have been.

(There are a few teachers I trust though)

This judgement is very difficult to make, since it might take some time before there are any noticeable results. And I can't know how much time.

I have wasted so much of my life for bad teaching and inefficient practice.

Also, many times I have had a strong feeling I could learn something, if I just got to practice it more. But I have been judged and denied the possibility to practice and improve after one or two failed tries.

This has to do with the "talented / not talented" myth.

And when I got some quality teaching (as an adult had some money to pay for it), it turns out it was possible for me after all. In fact, I was quite good at it.

I have done a HUGE amount of self-search to find out what works for me and what doesn't. But I'm still not there yet.

It looks like, in the end nobody can really help me but me. Because nobody knows me but me. I have to help myself. So I have to know myself.

Everything in this society is designed for neurotypical people. There's no teaching designed for me, except private lessons.