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THREAD. 1/ CW: Rape
The 13/2 (tomorrow) marks 3 years since the worst day of my life. I still, and always will, live acutely with the consequences of what 1 stranger did. That pain will never go, but I hope - and believe - one day it won't be as hard.
Here's what I've learnt
The 13/2 (tomorrow) marks 3 years since the worst day of my life. I still, and always will, live acutely with the consequences of what 1 stranger did. That pain will never go, but I hope - and believe - one day it won't be as hard.
Here's what I've learnt
2. People who love you most, will not understand.
Watching people you
most suffer because of what happened is hard to process. They too are angry, confused & grieving. But what is confusing is that as desperately as people wanted to help, they couldn't understand.
Watching people you
most suffer because of what happened is hard to process. They too are angry, confused & grieving. But what is confusing is that as desperately as people wanted to help, they couldn't understand.
3. BUT this is not to say people don’t care. I’ve lost people I never thought I would, but I also have people who, now I have let them, make this day less painful. They make me feel safe & supported. They make me smile when I never though I could again.
4. You will change & have to rebuild yourself.
After I was raped, I became aware of my body in ways I didn't know possible. You can't overestimate the level of uncleanliness you feel. I felt my body was a crime scene, & one I could not escape from. It was/can be hell.
After I was raped, I became aware of my body in ways I didn't know possible. You can't overestimate the level of uncleanliness you feel. I felt my body was a crime scene, & one I could not escape from. It was/can be hell.
5. Recovery is not linear.
I have good days, and some downright terrible days. For a year I was in autopilot mode. When some friends couldn't work out how I got up in the morning, I worked 3 jobs, got onto a PhD, finished my MA.
I have good days, and some downright terrible days. For a year I was in autopilot mode. When some friends couldn't work out how I got up in the morning, I worked 3 jobs, got onto a PhD, finished my MA.
6. But, nothing prepared me for the overwhelming experience of processing it a year on. It was an unbearable concoction of trauma, pain, and grief, & the loneliest and most isolated I have, or could ever imagine, feeling again.
7. Grieving is ok.
Because something so criminal and unbelievably traumatic has happened. It changes so much about you. I am not the same person today as I was before this, and that's hard to swallow. It's ok to grieve the person you were & could have been.
Because something so criminal and unbelievably traumatic has happened. It changes so much about you. I am not the same person today as I was before this, and that's hard to swallow. It's ok to grieve the person you were & could have been.
8. Trust is precious.
This is hard. Your story, & your experience is your own to share. When so much of your agency and power has been taken from you, your story and what you decide to do is all you get to control. That is your power.
This is hard. Your story, & your experience is your own to share. When so much of your agency and power has been taken from you, your story and what you decide to do is all you get to control. That is your power.
9. Nurses are the heroes we all need.
From the nurses the last 3 years who have held my hand, explained forms and treatments to me, given me chocolate after countless injections and exams, and hugged me when no one else was there - saved me.
From the nurses the last 3 years who have held my hand, explained forms and treatments to me, given me chocolate after countless injections and exams, and hugged me when no one else was there - saved me.
10. People will not believe you / people will blame you.
My first point is quite literally fuck them. But they will exist, and it will hurt beyond belief. But they deserve no place in your life and deserve cutting out ASAP. You never have to justify yourself to anyone.
My first point is quite literally fuck them. But they will exist, and it will hurt beyond belief. But they deserve no place in your life and deserve cutting out ASAP. You never have to justify yourself to anyone.
11. There will always be good days & bad days.
The most important, and hardest part, is making sure the bad days don't completely swallow you whole. But it IS (despite what people might make you feel) ok to cry and scream and grieve it all.
The most important, and hardest part, is making sure the bad days don't completely swallow you whole. But it IS (despite what people might make you feel) ok to cry and scream and grieve it all.
12. And most importantly, this was never your fault.
No one asks for this. No one deserves this. It is not on you. There are very few things I wouldn't trade to not be dealing with the physical and emotional complications 3 years later.
No one asks for this. No one deserves this. It is not on you. There are very few things I wouldn't trade to not be dealing with the physical and emotional complications 3 years later.
13. It took me 1 year to use the word rape. 3 years to write and share it, and it'll take a lifetime of learning to live (and therapy) with something so life-altering and destroying. It's not dramatic, because it is. I will always maintain the thought that someone ripping your
14. humanity, consent, power, agency, and body from you is one of the worst things you can ever endure. BUT, it is not something that always has to define you. And it won't, because you get to be so much more than pain inflicted by one person.
15. You get to be anything and everything, with the right people by your side. You get to heal on your own time scale, and get re-connect with a world that no longer terrifies you. You get to live. The 13/2, I didn't think I'd make it through the other side.
16. I guess, through all my ramblings what I’m trying to say is, you can live despite it all.
And to anyone who has experienced rape/SA. I believe you, I am here for you, I stand for you, and will walk with you, always. It was never your fault
And to anyone who has experienced rape/SA. I believe you, I am here for you, I stand for you, and will walk with you, always. It was never your fault
For the weekend, and probably foreseeable, my DM’s are open for any questions, support, points of direction if you need or want to reach out