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We watched “There’s No ‘I’ in Threesome” last night bc we were excited to see a real-life exploration of ethical non-monogamy depicted for a more mainstream audience. I have complicated thoughts on the film as a whole, but it was a great experience, watching with a partner.
We made tacos, shared a smoke, and hit play. It probably took us 3 hours to get through the whole thing because we kept pausing the film to talk about relatable feelings, tangential thoughts, and experiences we’ve shared together that we recognized happening on screen.
I loved sharing that time with my partner so much. BUT the film, itself? Clever, in that way that makes you hate it. W/out spoiling things, I was kinda pissed at the end. Not because I thought it was an inaccurate portrayal - I related to their failures as much as their success +
- but because by the end it becomes Exhibit A in how our own experience in relationships is not always the same as our partners’ experiences. A NYT blurb on the film says it best:
“[The filmmaker, Ollie’s] cleverness culminates in the documentary’s startling final act, where Ollie shows how the artifice of filmmaking can mirror the lies we tell ourselves about love.” Fucking oof.
After sleeping on it, I appreciate it more. It wasn’t what I thought I was watching when I started, but between the experience I shared watching it and the self-reflection it’s sparked, I’m less miffed and more grateful.
ENM is a valid relationship style, but not as a “better than / worse than” counterpoint to monogamy. It opens the door to individual growth and fulfillment through connection with other humans, but also opens the door to insecurities and toxic feelings that are easy to drown +
+ in, if you aren’t willing to communicate authentically in the process. You don’t “overcome” feelings of jealousy at some magic point and then it’s smooth sailing - you learn how to navigate it with your partners. You don’t do it effectively at first, but you get better at it.
And you create a safe space in your relationships to express those vulnerable feelings. No one likes talking about their jealousy. It sucks. But when you trust your partner isn’t judging or thinking less of you for it, it becomes natural. Like talking ab feeling hungry or tired.
And it creates the space needed for reassurance and/or course correction. When you feel jealousy, it’s typically bc you feel like “your place” in your partners life might be threatened, or it may because you aren’t getting what you need (e.g. time, attention, sex, etc.).
Sometimes all you need is the reassurance of your place in your partner’s life. Sometimes you need to make an adjustment to how you’ve negotiated your relationship to work. Point being, it’s constant communication and willingness to adapt that makes it work.
This has been a long-ass thread, rabbit trailing further from the original thought than intended. I have some qualms ab the film overall (one that sticks with me was a gross violation of consent towards the beginning, that ultimately was a minor point, but yuck), but I think +
+ it’s worth a watch. Keep an open mind because you don’t know the direction it’s going to take. Understand these are people making mistakes and this certainly isn’t a blueprint. But it’ll prompt examination of the way you view yourself in your relationships, in your own mind, +
+ and that is only a fraction of the joint experience.
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
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Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
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