Imagine you are a 6 yr old child. Your mum and dad have separated. You are confused; you don’t understand what is going on. You love your mum – and you love your dad. You just want to give them both a hug. (1)

You want to play with both of them; you want both of them to take you to school. Your mum is upset; your dad is upset. You wonder “have I done something wrong?” What can I do to stop mummy or daddy crying? (2)

For most children – their parents manage to work through the hurt, the anger, the loss of separation – and re-focus on the child that was born out of their love for each other. But this is not the case for all. (3)

The reality is - sometimes parents do not re-focus on their child. They engage in behaviours which harm their child and their relationship with the other parent. One of the studies which lingers for me is @jenjillharman et al’s study https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Ffam0000232 (4)

Nearly 12% of separated parents admit to telling their child that their other parent does not love them; or make them feel guilty about their relationship with the other parent – even re-write history to distort a child’s memory of their relationship. (5)

10% of separated parents admit to rewarding their child for rejecting the other parent; nearly 12% withdraw love and affection if a child is positive about their other parent; and 13.5% force their child to choose between their parents. (6)

16% of separated parents confide in their child about their marital or relationship problems; 19% interrogate their child when they return form the other parent; and nearly 25% prevent their child from taking their personal belongings back and forth both homes. (7)

The participants for this study were drawn from a general population – not selected from those engaging in litigation. These are the admitted self-behaviours of the 126 seperated respondent parents. Sometimes, mums and dads fail to understand how their hurt harms their child (8)