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It’s hard to believe I’ve been at this for 14yrs. During the tougher days I try to remind myself that someday the dots will connect. Until then, I try and keep my chin up, take the punches & continue onward, hopeful & stronger. But lately, the punches have stung a little more...
Chasing ur dreams is rarely a smooth ride. There r twists and curves, potholes and dead ends. It’s a challenge I’ve always welcomed -- appreciated even. The lows will make the highs all the more rewarding, right? Succeeding as a writer is like winning the lottery over and over.
It doesn’t matter how talented u r, or how many people u know, or how many contest u win. Luck & perseverance r the 2 biggest ingredients. The good news is, we control the ladder. Some yrs will b good. Some will suck dumpster dick. 2020 sucked epic dumpster dick. And I struggled.
There hasn’t been a single month n the last 14 months where I’ve known how i was going to pay the following months rent. Not a single one. It’s a place of suck I occupied often n my 20s, but never as a father. Until 2020. I wouldn’t wish this kind of stress on my worst enemy.
Last night, as I rocked my 20-month old daughter to sleep, I quietly came undone. The floodgates ripped open and there was no closing them. I cried like a baby while holding my first baby. I cried because I’m sad... because I’m frustrated... But mostly, because I’m scared.
Earlier n the day, I received crappy career news which is part of the game, but this news hit particularly hard as it came moments after I had just applied for food stamps. The same week my son is supposed to come into this world. A world where his dad only has $21 to his name.
This is not how I saw my life going. I grew up on the poverty line, but I never thought I’d be back here. Not now. It’s a shitty but not uncommon result of a flawed system people outside the industry struggle to understand.
I have multiple projects with big talent and producers attached and more things percolating than ever before, and yet, I have no idea how I’ll buy groceries for my family next week. It’s the classic writer dilemma. A risk a lot of us take every day.
A risk that comes with its own crippling brand of fear & doubt that grips a little tighter & a little longer each time. We’ve all felt it. It’s part of dream chasing. For me, writing is the only thing I’ve ever known. My first dream. Im happy it hasn’t been easy. It shouldn’t be.
I’ve told God many times that if I’m meant to do something else, anything else, then he needs to speak up. He hasn’t. Not yet, at least. So until then, I’ll keep going. And I hope u will too. And even though I have no idea what’ll happen next, I have faith God will provide.
In the meantime, i’m going to be as open and honest about this crazy journey as I can be. No matter how embarrassing the lows may seem. Maybe it’ll help some dreamer out there to read this. I know it helped this dreamer to write it. Let's keep going, yeah? And remember...
You’ve earned the right to sob like a baby & wanna give up occasionally. Just promise me u won’t, ok? Let’s help each other wipe the tears & keep fighting. 2021 is our year. I believe n u. I believe in me. And I can’t wait to celebrate our wins together. Write on, fam! 
**latter.
Jesus.
Maybe this is why it’s taking 14 yrs.
Jesus.
Maybe this is why it’s taking 14 yrs.
