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Here are some gentle reminders that I think people really should keep in mind when it comes to abusers. I'll try to keep this concise but yes, it's a thread.
First of all: Abusers absolutely target specific people to abuse, based on what kind of power those people have.
First of all: Abusers absolutely target specific people to abuse, based on what kind of power those people have.
Abusers are EXPERTS at manipulation, gaslighting, etc. so they understand power dynamics on an intrinsic level. It also massively benefits them to NOT abuse everyone, so that others can honestly say, "That wasn't my experience." Abusers move other people around like chess pieces.
It is not a mistake or coincidence that abusers most often target women, POC, and WOC. And that you'll hear from white men who say, with the purest of intentions, "I had no idea."
It doesn't excuse the ignorance, but please know that when you demand that everyone involved in the same project or with the same abuser should have the same response to the abuse, that's impossible, because everyone did not have the same experience. And that was calculated.
And it's VERY important that when this happens, we don't suddenly lump in everyone who is genuinely baffled as an abuser as well; & that we don't start to target THEM instead of the abuser. Because that's also on purpose. Abusers build allies to spread the responsibility around.
The second thing I want to point out is that there is a fourth response to trauma. We all know the main three: Fight, Flight, Freeze.
The fourth is Fawn.
Fawn is exactly what it sounds like: fawning over the abuser to keep them from targeting you next.
The fourth is Fawn.
Fawn is exactly what it sounds like: fawning over the abuser to keep them from targeting you next.
This looks like gushing about how wonderful they were to work with, lots of compliments, etc. It might look the person trying not to get abused (or trying to not be abused further) has a wonderful relationship with the abuser, which is confusing to those outside of the situation.
People like this can end up enabling, emboldening, or even helping participate in the abuse. It's awful. But remember to focus on the abuser first. Bc the more the story becomes "How could the people around those being abused not know?" the more the abuser can fade into the back.
Change and responsibility has to start with very clearly identifying and calling out the abuser. Pitting survivors against each other never, ever helps. Please don't contribute to that narrative.
K. Thread done. I think.
K. Thread done. I think.
