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When I was a kid, and teenager especially, I would have outbursts where I would rant and scream at the top of my lungs and rage, particularly when I was being harassed or harmed.
These are called meltdowns today, and I spent years feeling guilty for having them, but now I understand they are a normal consequence of stress and abuse for people that are neurodivergent like myself.
I spent years blaming myself for having such meltdowns. They were not my fault. If you have these kinds of meltdowns, they are not your fault.
I was labeled a bad kid by my family. They all knew about my meltdowns, and they would blame me for them. I was considered the "problem child" and my behavior was seen as a burden like I was.
I spent 40 years believing I deserved to be mistreated. I spent 40 years believing I was this horrible monster that ruined the lives of my family members.
A lot of my meltdowns were precipitated by mistreatment by family members. I was deliberately picked on until I had meltdowns, and people considered me unhinged, despite being berated and harassed until I would explode in emotion.
Meltdowns are NOT YOUR FAULT. They are a defense mechanism, based on adrenaline and other hormones in your body that attempt to protect you when they feel you are in danger.
Meltdowns are a response to too many stimuli. They are a response to too much sensory overload. Meltdowns are draining, exhausting, and sometimes chaotic.
If any of this story is relatable to you, please know you are not alone. Having a meltdown is not your fault. You should not be blamed for it. You should not feel bad for it.
You deserve to believe so much better about yourself. Sending you lots of love.
You deserve to believe so much better about yourself. Sending you lots of love.
