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Here's the story of a man most of you will be completely unfamiliar with, but who was, in his day, one of the most famous people in the country, and a national hero.
It features epic twattery. Just thought I'd warn you.
Here's the story of a man most of you will be completely unfamiliar with, but who was, in his day, one of the most famous people in the country, and a national hero.
It features epic twattery. Just thought I'd warn you.
Admiral Sir Thomas Cochrane, the 10th Earl of Dundonald, was born in 1775 just outside Hamilton, Scotland. And before I launch into this, can I just say that I still, amazingly, really admire the guy. You have to. You also have to think he was a prick. He was both, I think.
Practically as soon as he was potty-trained, he began his career of indisputable heroism, technical innovation, radical politics, nepotism, rigging elections, stock-market fraud, almost starting world wars, legalised piracy, mercenary warfare, and shameless bullshit.
Aged just 5, he was registered as a crew member on no fewer than four simultaneous Royal Navy ship. This meant, on paper at least, he'd gain the years of service required for later promotion. This was 100% illegal, obviously.
But 4 ships wasn't a safe enough bet, so....
But 4 ships wasn't a safe enough bet, so....
.. his father also secured for the boy a commission in the Army, which meant by the age of 11, Cochrane was simultaneously fighting for his country on 4 separate warships, and route-marching across a couple of continents, all whilst receiving daily tutoring at his home in Fife.
His REAL naval career began in 1793 when he joined a ship under his uncle’s command at the age of 17. By 20 he was a lieutenant, and was transferred to the flagship, where he immediately fell out with absolutely everybody who wasn’t a family member, and some who were.
His capacity for causing trouble was breath-taking: almost immediately after joining the Navy, he managed to get himself court-martialled and reprimanded for flippancy and disrespect.
In his long career in the navy and politics, he was incapable of getting along with anybody...
In his long career in the navy and politics, he was incapable of getting along with anybody...
...not even natural allies. He quarrelled lavishly and spectacularly with superiors, subordinates, employers, political opponents, members of his own party, multiple admirals, Napoleon Bonaparte, and the entire body of officers and sailors of the Chilean navy.
Despite this, he thrived because he was (depending on who you ask) either remarkably good at killing Frenchmen; or just as good as anybody else, but one of the lucky few who survived long enough to tell their side of the story.
Cochrane took part in a couple of successful actions, and was promoted to command the small 14-gun ship "Speedy", in which he charged around the Mediterranean attacking anything that could float and wasn’t a dead gannet. No buckle was left un-swashed.
In his first year in charge, Speedy captured, sank or ran-aground 53 enemy ships - one a week.
In most cases, Cochrane planned as meticulously as he could, but in his most celebrated combat, he stumbled accidentally upon the Spanish ship "El Gamo" and had to improvise
In most cases, Cochrane planned as meticulously as he could, but in his most celebrated combat, he stumbled accidentally upon the Spanish ship "El Gamo" and had to improvise
El Gamo was four times the size of his own vessel, with twice as many guns and six times as many crew. Cochrane, in frankly dazzling display of seamanship and courage, said "fuck it" and sailed straight at her, enduring a couple of full broadsides as he charged...
But Cochrane had realised El Gamo was SO much bigger than his ship, if he literally bumped hulls with her, she wouldn't be able to fire down onto his decks. But he could fire into her hull, point blank.
So he did.
When El Gamo tried to board him, he just steered 20 feet away...
So he did.
When El Gamo tried to board him, he just steered 20 feet away...
The Spanish boarding party ran back to fire their guns at the now shootable Speedy, and Cochrane just steered into El Gamo again, and kept firing.
After half a bloody hour of this, he led his tiny crew onto the deck of a ship 4x bigger, and captured her.
Honestly: amazing.
After half a bloody hour of this, he led his tiny crew onto the deck of a ship 4x bigger, and captured her.
Honestly: amazing.
In those days, when a captain captured a ship, the government literally bought it off him. That year in the Med made Cochrane vastly famous, and epically rich.
He retired and went into politics, as a "radical", committed to ending the corrupt buying of seats in parliament...
He retired and went into politics, as a "radical", committed to ending the corrupt buying of seats in parliament...
Unfortunately, his opponent in the seat of Honiton, Devon, wasn't averse to buying votes. Cochrane lost.
So he tried again a couple of years later, won, and ended his life in the Lords. Stirring music. Fade to black. Exit via the gift shop. What a hero.
Right?
Erm...
So he tried again a couple of years later, won, and ended his life in the Lords. Stirring music. Fade to black. Exit via the gift shop. What a hero.
Right?
Erm...
Turns out, Cochrane won the seat of Honiton by the simple expedient of paying ten guineas per vote. He denied doing it, of course, but a decade later he literally stood up in parliament and announced he was only there because he paid for each vote...
Not content with that, he also became deeply embroiled in the aptly named Great Stock Exchange Fraud
In 1814, as the Napoleonic war continued, a man arrived in a pub in Dover, claiming he was aide to a British General, and had news Napoleon was dead, and war ended...
In 1814, as the Napoleonic war continued, a man arrived in a pub in Dover, claiming he was aide to a British General, and had news Napoleon was dead, and war ended...
News spread fast, and the Stock Market went apeshit, which I'm sure will come as a shock to you all.
The value of govt bonds soared in the morning, and then, as it became clear the entire thing was a hoax, the value plummeted again in the afternoon. Plus ça change.
The value of govt bonds soared in the morning, and then, as it became clear the entire thing was a hoax, the value plummeted again in the afternoon. Plus ça change.
But why would somebody perpetrate such a hoax? Who could possibly gain by telling palpable lies to a gullible public about the collapse of a major European political infrastructure?
And can this metaphor become any more obvious?
And can this metaphor become any more obvious?
Turns out, days before the fake news arrived in Dover, 6 individuals purchased £1.1m of govt stocks, which they sold during that morning's boom. £1.1m is equivalent to a few billion today. We're talking big money.
And one of those 6 investors? Sir Thomas Cochrane.
And one of those 6 investors? Sir Thomas Cochrane.
The pretend aide spreading rumours in Dover was the arrestingly named Charles Random de Berenger, a Prussian aristocrat, who had been seen entering Cochrane’s home on the day before the hoax.
Cochrane was arrested and put on trial, and his defence came down to this:
Cochrane was arrested and put on trial, and his defence came down to this:
What do I, a mere life-long sailor, know about pubs in our major ports? How can I, a mere member of the House of Commons, be expected to understand the stock market? You can trust me; I’ve only been telling documented lies since I was 5 years old....
He was found guilty, stripped of his knighthood and his naval rank, expelled from parliament, fined, and sentenced to be put in the stocks in a public place, and pelted with whatever old shite passers-by could find for a few hours.
This sounds mild, bordering on being quite fun in a village fête kind of way; but it often resulted in the criminal losing an eye or two, and those who had become fans of Cochrane began to lobby against the sentence. We don't want our political heroes to face justice, do we?
But mainstream politicians, keen to see justice and honesty retain a place in our society, were insistent Cochrane should be punished. They pointed out that he was not exactly a stable, law-abiding character.
A few years earlier one of his colleagues had ...
A few years earlier one of his colleagues had ...
... barricaded himself into his own home to avoid an arrest warrant. Being a decent chap who wants the best for everybody, Cochrane had offered to come to his aid.
And that all sounds quite kind and helpful until you realise Cochrane’s plan was ...
And that all sounds quite kind and helpful until you realise Cochrane’s plan was ...
... to gather together some old shipmates, bombard the London townhouse with cannon, and then storm it, leaving the property destroyed and the arresting officers dead.
Quite an good indication of Cochrane’s distain for law, reason and public good.
Quite an good indication of Cochrane’s distain for law, reason and public good.
Yet the public loves a rogue, especially one who annoys the French, and enough people were passionately pro-Cochrane that the evidence no longer seemed to matter.
His sentence was downgraded, and other than a £1000 fine, he essentially got away with a (probable) vast fraud...
His sentence was downgraded, and other than a £1000 fine, he essentially got away with a (probable) vast fraud...
You'd think that would be enough for one life? We've barely started.
To escape controversy, Cochrane moved to, of all places, Chile, a nation which officially didn't exist, being a colony of Spain. He made friends with the leaders of the independence movement...
To escape controversy, Cochrane moved to, of all places, Chile, a nation which officially didn't exist, being a colony of Spain. He made friends with the leaders of the independence movement...
And just 2 months later he was made a citizen, then an Admiral in the Chilean Navy, and told to win their independence.
His default plan for practically everything - from a roast beef dinner, to a friend’s marriage, to a Spanish flagship - was to destroy it in a demented fury
His default plan for practically everything - from a roast beef dinner, to a friend’s marriage, to a Spanish flagship - was to destroy it in a demented fury
So he set about organising the Chilean navy with his usual zeal. And yet, in the proud tradition of Britons abroad, he refused so utterly to speak any Spanish that the entire Chilean Navy had to speak English, and widely hated him for it.
But against all odds he held things together long enough to help free Chile, and then Peru, from their colonial masters. Remarkably, in less than two years, and without speaking a word of the local language, he helped bring about independent government across the region.
Then, presumably bored by peace, he apparently started a rumour that he wanted to invade Saint Helena and free Napoleon from exile. Napoleon would then, it was supposed, forgive Cochrane for single-handedly sinking half the French Navy...
... and, it's supposed, Napoleon and Cochrane would join forces to rule a unified South America.
Needless to say, the Chileans and Peruvians were less than keen on this idea, so Cochrane was cordially invited to fuck off to a different continent.
Needless to say, the Chileans and Peruvians were less than keen on this idea, so Cochrane was cordially invited to fuck off to a different continent.
By the time he got back to Britain, everybody seemed to have forgotten he had only just left in disgrace, and he was swiftly knighted for a second time, reinstated into the Royal Navy as an Admiral, and given a seat in the House of Lords...
He died, aged 84, in the middle of surgery for a kidney stone. He is buried in beneath the the place where the choir sing in Westminster Abbey, a location which means, unlike Nelson, not a single pigeon gets to shit on him.
End of thread.
End of thread.
OK, so this took off a bit more than I expected.
If you love this stuff, I heartily recommend the Aubrey / Maturin books by Patrick O'Brian - fiction, but drawn from the reality of that epic, ridiculous period of amazing people doing terrifying things. And beautifully written.
If you love this stuff, I heartily recommend the Aubrey / Maturin books by Patrick O'Brian - fiction, but drawn from the reality of that epic, ridiculous period of amazing people doing terrifying things. And beautifully written.
