I’ve been in hospital for 8 weeks today (on the pointy end of the needle), and here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. There should be special punishments for anyone who turns the big light on for 4am observations.

2. Same for anyone who tells someone with intractable vomiting that they need to drink more.

3. Those little aeroplane-style pots of orange juice are ADDICTIVE. Genuinely felt bereft when I didn’t get one with breakfast the other day. Continuing to drink them against direct advice of the stoma nurse because i CAN’T STOP

4. IV cyclizine is not worth seeking recreationally. You can get a better buzz off a couple of glasses of wine.

5. It’s okay not to talk about prognosis until you’re ready to. I always thought I’d be the kind of patient who wanted to know everything, but it took me until this week to have The Chat.

6. On that note, hospital chaplains are a (literal) godsend for helping you process your emotions for things like the prognosis chat, and the stuff you don’t want to share/burden/upset your friends and family with. We do stan. (Religion not required)

7. Nutritional supplements taste like if an alien tried really hard to make earth food & drink without having ever tasted it.

And finally... if you ever want to find out what your go-to swear word really is, have a bone marrow aspirate done.
Mine rhymes with “other trucker”.