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One of the things I can't stand about current trans discourse in the UK is that, aside from our exposure to awful hate, we're ultimately arguing about things that are doing (imo) the least harm to trans people (ie the GRA), and leaving vulnerable people horrifically exposed 
in a really shitty system. I want to talk about the state of trans healthcare, my worst experience, and the impact a culture war is having on us and the system.
CN for sexual assault, medical trauma, trans healthcare and transphobia
CN for sexual assault, medical trauma, trans healthcare and transphobia
In case it isn't blindingly obvious, I do not agree with the GC talking points around trans health support for young people - they desperately need support and intervention. But we can't ignore the fact that all trans people are exposed to abuse in an abusive healthcare system
I was lucky enough to only face a 13 month wait for my 1st GIC appointment. But facing a further 7 month wait for hormones, I went private. At the time there were 3 options, and gendercare had a 6 month wait. My first private clinician gave me a 15 minute misogynist barrage
about how tiring it is to be a women and "to be a woman you have to wear makeup and look after your appearance all the time so I shouldn't go into it lightly", and then he ranted about autistic people for 15 minutes. Those two rants were half of my £350 appointment.
Because I reacted to this, he called me aggressive and said I'd need to pay for counselling in his service. I did not. @GenderGP saved my life. They treated me with respect and listened to me and what I wanted and did not ask about how much anal sex I'd had (my 1st clinician did)
Fast forward to my next GIC appointment. They refused to give me hormones because of an undisclosed "hormone imbalance" that the endo needed to review. Five months later I got to see this endo.
I got the usual - "are you suicidal? How many male partners have you had? How is your relationship with your family?" He said I needed to do a physical. I asked why. He said "I think you are intersex". As I had started hormones anyway, he got me to take off my top
He grabbed them and squeezed them and said "yes those are coming along nicely". Then he got me to strip waste down. He felt and squeezed my testes for a full 5 minutes, and felt and stretched my penis. All with no explanation and with no gloves on.
A nurse was present but she sat in the corner ignoring all of this. Afterwards I got dressed and we sat down and he started yammering about hormones. I had to ask "SO AM I INTERSEX?!" He just shrugged and said "oh, no".
I've reviewed all my case notes. I had slightly elevated dehydrotestosterone in one test. Medical journals suggest that this could indicate androgen insensitivity syndrome, and nothing else. I am 5'11 with broad shoulders and a penis. You do *not* need a physical to see that
I was not AFAB, do not have a vulva, and do not have AIS. The other stuff he did was to "see if I'm a promising candidate for GRS". As an endo, he is not qualified to determine this, and my surgeon had to repeat what he did anyway. What took him 5 minutes took her 10 seconds.
After this I descended into trauma and depression and was the most suicidal I ever have been. I pulled through thanks to some amazing friends and a few months later got the strength to complain to PALS.
Their investigation: they talked to him. He said that "i am overreacting as a result of my dysphoria and mental illness." Some time later, I complained to the GMC about his conduct. Their response: they could see no evidence of "sexual gratification" so it was not sexual assault.
I know other people have had worse and more traumatic sexual assaults than me. But I do know that I was sexually assaulted. Others may think I'm overreacting. But one thing is clear. That doctor had power: he would have refused NHS hormones if I had not consented to the physical
What makes this worse is the fact that he did an obtrusive and *entirely unnecessary* physical exam, based on seriously dodgy grounds. I also know he has done this to other people. Last time I talked about it anonymously on social media, the GIC did some digging to match
my patient records to my social media and sent me a threatening letter.
Enough of my sob story and to the point: no children are being brainwashed into being trans. Trans people need interventions, especially before puberty.
Enough of my sob story and to the point: no children are being brainwashed into being trans. Trans people need interventions, especially before puberty.
*However* the existing system concentrates power with a few clinicians who can do whatever they want with people's bodies and get away with it because "they're the experts". Whether its a power thing, a sexual thing, or simply a career thing (using trans patients to write papers
without our consent) we are treated as subhuman by awful people. And to make matters worse - the system is designed to create long waits that make us SO desperate for their abusive service that nobody complains for fear of it being taken away.
That one doctor who treated me with respect? @GenderGP has been hounded by the authorities for the audacity to go against the status quo. The other private centres? They uphold the status quo, get paid by the NHS, and then make a profit from desperate trans people
who can no longer wait for the inadequate system that *they* created.
But sure, tell me again about how its a big trans conspiracy by big pharma to trans our children and by trans women who have a fetish for weeing in a cubicle, thats clearly the bigger issue here.
I am so fucking done.
I am so fucking done.
