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Apparently I don’t need much encouragement to do things. @MrCrystalMighty
Trans kids: I was a desister.
Threading this thing.
Trans kids: I was a desister.
Threading this thing.
Family background: parents together (still are), lower middle class sort of economic status, homeowners. Decentish state school. North-east England.
Father: manipulative, emotionally abusive arsehole. Probable narcissist.
Mum: did her best.
Father: manipulative, emotionally abusive arsehole. Probable narcissist.
Mum: did her best.
Other supportive adults: some at church (raised Anglican), but very much on father’s side if it came down to it. It wasn’t until my late teens that people started to see his mask slipping. Family: none of note. Only child; paternal aunts/uncles/cousins estranged (due to him).
I wouldn’t claim I Always Knew about my gender. Valid for those who do, yep. For me, it was about 12/13 I started to feel *off*. Right in ROGD time, I’m sure. I kept it to myself, because good gods my father was openly homophobic — God help me if I was any kind of queer.
And I didn’t know *what* was going on. I had absolutely no knowledge of trans issues or identities. I mean NONE. The closest I’d come was pantomime dames which is… not a helpful paradigm for a possibly-trans kid. This is late 90s/early 2000s.
The first time I managed to put any kind of gender-stuff into words was when I got the balls to come out to my father as bi. I could see him starting to go light, so:
“If it helps, think of me as a son when I have a gf, and a daughter when I have a bf.”
“If it helps, think of me as a son when I have a gf, and a daughter when I have a bf.”
It majorly did not help. He went more light. Whoops.
And yes, I have unpacked the nasty cisheteronormative internalised homophobia by 14/15 year old me since. Still — don’t think many cis people would casually suggest they could be genderfluid like that?
And yes, I have unpacked the nasty cisheteronormative internalised homophobia by 14/15 year old me since. Still — don’t think many cis people would casually suggest they could be genderfluid like that?
Around the same time we got the internet at home and I somehow came across the term “two-spirit”. TW: cultural appropriation through ignorance. Yes, I did it. It was the first and only word I’d ever found which seemed to describe me.
I kept it to myself, at least. I guess I’ve got that going for me. Doesn’t exactly make it forgivable, but at least I didn’t advertise it.
I made it to 18 before I had to say something. I persuaded my mum to take me to our family GP and I said the words, “I’m not a girl”. I think I was hoping to have it fixed. I saw it as a problem and hoped there was a pill or some therapy or something to make it go away.
The GP sent me off to our local gender clinic. I went alone. Two buses, a good hour or more from my little town. Found the building. It was HUGE. I was terrified. Had no idea what would happen to me there.
Long story short, I sat in the wrong waiting room for an hour and by the time I got to the right place, I’d missed my appointment and got so wound up I ran the hell away.
And then I “desisted” for about ten years.
I’d been frightened off. I knew a bit more about transition by now. It seemed like a huge, terrifying risk to take. I had no parental support (Mum probably would have but my father controlled us both in every meaningful way).
I’d been frightened off. I knew a bit more about transition by now. It seemed like a huge, terrifying risk to take. I had no parental support (Mum probably would have but my father controlled us both in every meaningful way).
No siblings. No other trusted adults I felt I could turn to. No financial independence. I’d been threatened with being kicked out several times already.
I did actually leave home at 19 and never looked back. It’s limited my contact with Mum because of *him*, but that’s a different thread. I haven’t spoken to him in approx 12 years and I’m far better for it.
Still, even when I had financial independence to some extent, I was way more worried about paying my rent and progressing my career and caring for my dog than the Big Scary Gender Thing.
But it never went away. I ignored it for a long, long time. But it didn’t go away. At about 25 I started gently insisting on gender-neutral pronouns and telling the world I was nonbinary.
(This is still broadly accurate, although my identity is closely enough aligned with what my culture considers “male” that I generally go by “trans guy” unless it’s relevant to specify.)
It wasn’t until I was 27/28 that I went back to my GP, a different one by now, and said slightly different words. “I would like to be referred to a GIC. In the meantime I’m going to pursue hormones privately. Will you agree to shared care?”
And that was that. It was still terrifying. It’s still been a massive change.
It’s absolutely worth it.
I’m happier. Healthier. More confident. I’m just… me.
It’s absolutely worth it.
I’m happier. Healthier. More confident. I’m just… me.
If I’m lucky I’ll get surgery within the next year. T has been great for me on physical changes. I have had an incredibly lucky, smooth transition on that front. Socially, not always as easy, but I’m resilient.
So there you go. I didn’t desist. I was scared away. Who and what I am hasn’t fundamentally changed. It took me 27 years to become me, and that’s fewer years than many.
Support your trans kids dammit. Some need space and time. Some need intervention. Listen to ‘em. Believe ‘em.
Support your trans kids dammit. Some need space and time. Some need intervention. Listen to ‘em. Believe ‘em.
