My journalistic instinct to think of the absolutely worst thing possible strikes again.

I'm 1 minute in to the Capitol Riot Porn and it's.... actually hilarious? He's using a zoom background of the guy sitting at Nancy Pelosi's desk. Fake sirens in background. Talking to himself. "King of the castle!...... So uh.... now what....?"

"Get a picture of me in this bitch Pelosi's chair. Doing some bullshit business with the taxpayer money or whatever." I can't tell whether I'm more hopeful that these lines were written or that he's adlibbing.

He just called the chair "sexy ass" it is taking a turn.

2 full minutes of repeatedly trying to do the same clip of him going "Did you get it? I'm pointing at my dick. Do you get it?" as he points at his crotch. Regarding Pelosi, he says: "I don't agree with that communist ho... But I'll admit she got a nice set of boobieeeees"

There's background audio of sirens and people yelling. He has now set the scene: Pelosi appeared to be watching porn and "didn't close the tabs," says "This can't be Geraldo Rivera, the Fox News correspondent, American HERO Geraldo.... but if it is he's looking sexy as fuck."

"I'm thinking while we're here, we might as well bust some nuts together... Just like old times." So far there has been zero intro of a second person, just the camera. We're at nearly 5 minutes now. The video is 16 minutes long.

The premise being that this is a Capitol rioter, he brought lube "just in case." He begins rubbing his crotch more intently. Background sound of sirens and people yelling is now soft muzak. He unbuckles, says "I'm glad we could come together... all the way from Arkansas."

Penis shows up for the first time at the 5:41 mark as he says "I would never admit it, but I actually love Nancy." He has not left the chair.

Ten full minutes left of the video. Seems he's just going to keep jerking it while adlibbing political discourse and moaning after truly the funniest sentences you could imagine.

He lost the clown nose but then put it back on again to really complete the scene. It's at this point I'm beginning to feel that this isn't just some porn video, but a work of modern art.

Some useful stats to know about this video.

I didn't notice the video title said ASMR but explains a lot. The background music is very jazzy, and every time he mentions how nice the chair is I start laughing all over again. It's one of those cheap mesh-covered office chairs, the cheapest ones that swivel.

"Oh you like that? You like watching me jerk off at Nancy Pelosi's desk?" Who is this FOR?

His clown nose fell off and I YELLED in laughter. Maybe I'm who this is for????

HE PUT THE CLOWN NOSE ON HIS PENIS

HIS FACE AS HE DOES IT

I'm getting lightheaded I'm hyperventilating from laughing so hard

He seems to remember the premise he established earlier and looks over at the computer* to say "Oh yeah that Geraldo guy's so fuckin hot." Impressed, tbh.

(*reminder: everything around him is just a background of this photo)

He's building out the character some more, crafting a really interesting narrative. "I'm going to watch [Geraldo's] videos when I get home... and not tell my wife."

Getting to the Big Moment, his artistry is on full display. He looks to the camera, which is supposed to be the second character of this scene, and says:

"I'm gettin close... You gunna cum with me? You wanna make a cum with me? You wanna make a *coup* with me?"

MASTERFUL.

"You wanna coup with me baby? You wanna coup together?" He says, spliced with moaning between each question.

The clown nose has fallen on the floor. We likely will not see it again. 4 minutes remaining.

"I'm getting ready to coup" okay so that's what he's calling it and sticking with it I guess.

He has successfully ejaculated while saying "Coup for me baby" over and over. This guy is still behind him, still pointing. The background music is soft piano.

He now has to find something to clean up his mess! The story is not yet over!!! But hark, a large envelope! For Nancy Pelosi!

He is rubbing the envelope on himself to clean it off. It's a bubble envelope. Have to respect the commitment on display here. Of course Nancy's office wouldn't have towels!

He justifies the move with "This mail is mine too because I pay taxes."

With a direct reference to the actual desk sitter who said he "didn't steal" mail from Pelosi's office (he left a quarter behind 'even though she doesn't deserve it'), our clown rioter masturbator leaves behind a quarter as well. This is art, officially.

The envelope, which has Nancy Pelosi in big font, includes from/to addresses

Office of the Speaker
U.S. House of Representatives
Washington DC

to:
The Honorable Billy Long
2454 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
(this is real!)

(his dick is still out btw)

At the end, he stands and begins gyrating his body against the envelope. He leans in and gives a kiss to the camera. The video ends with music credit! What a guy!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!! He parodies the guy who bragged about stealing mail from Pelosi's office -- except his is covered in his own cumstains

"I didn't steal it. I came on it––"

I'm wheezing he's going to redo the whole video interview with the guy who broke into Pelosi's office omg

THE ARTIST'S WORKSPACE: REVEALED! Plus you get to hear him trying to speak on the same beat as the real guy. DIRECTOR'S CUT.

He does the "Nancy Biggle (?) was here you bitch" over a bunch of different photos from the Capitol rioters and THERE'S OUTTAKES OF HIM FLUBBING LINES TOO!!!!

What a ride. Wow.

If you'd like to watch the video to confirm my reportage, just stitch this link back together.

https://www.pornhub

.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5ff8326fdfd36

i don’t know why i’m like this but suffice to say i am extremely like this https://twitter.com/itsa_talia/status/1351754080419516417

Views jumped from 2570 to 2631... Hell yeah.