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I'm pretty wiped today so it feels like a useful day for some reflections on #Fatigue and #InvisibleDisabilities in academia, and questions to ponder.
NB: This is based on my own experience with fatigue, so it isn't intended to generalise to everyone's experience 1/
NB: This is based on my own experience with fatigue, so it isn't intended to generalise to everyone's experience 1/
Fatigue - in my case - is a slippery beast: some days sleeping at peace in the shadows; some days knocking at the door; some days setting up residence. I rarely get 'simply cannot move' deep fatigue (though 'can't move much' happens); when not fatigued I'm an 'active' person 2/
I can only describe my experience with fatigue as it having a will of it's own, it's a force that is irresistible; that cannot be denied. I never got that before; I thought I knew tired - well, I did know tired, but I didn't know fatigue. Its so *qualitatively* different. 3/
When fatigue is in play, the energy cost of everything is revealed to me: that conversation we just had, where I seemed to be 'in' and participating, that took a *lot* of energy! Just keeping on going working & not stopping, that takes a *lot* of energy. Every minute. 4/
This contrasts with good energy days, where I don't (consciously) have to expend energy just to keep going/doing... where 'baseline' feels like its self- or system-sustaining. And with #InvisibleDisabilities like this, hidden, others can't necessarily see the effort/costs. 5/
This morning my partner said: "you look tired today" (knows these fluctuations well; gold star!). But others - who know me less well - said "how are you, you look well", a summer tan concealing the 'empty tank' inside. And then I'm caught in the dilemma - lie, or deny? 6/
Each option costs something, not just in 'simple' energy, but also a complex emotional identity & relational navigation, about who you are, how you can be, how you are as colleague, friend, etc - the person you want to be vs. can be. Which takes its own bunch of energy. 7/
To get to my main point - or what I think might be my main point: fatigue reveals the intense energy demands of 'everyday' academic life, that when I didn't have fatigue issues, I had the capacity to absorb. Fatigue/chronic health issue have rid me of that capacity 8/
There's nothing to dig into, no reserve to draw on. No sponge mat to absorb a fall. And the 'end' (of energy/capacity) can come quickly, suddenly... 9/
Speaking generally, my Q is: how can we reset our understandings, expectations & practices in academia, so that those with fatigue/invisible disabilities aren't constantly pushed into operating @ the hard edge of their capacity - a working life not healthy for anyone really? 10/
How can we develop a non-ableist working culture, that does not assume & demand deep-pockets of unlimited energy reserves; that nourishes rather than drains creative energies & passions? That goes beyond individually supportive contexts (which I have!) toward inclusion? 11/11
