i have been thinking a lot about how to apologize and encountering some need to be more empathetic in my personal life so im going to write a little thread on advice/what ive learned.

when someone accuses you of hurting them, the worst thing you can do is deny it or turn it around back on them. they are not lying about being hurt. if you don’t find their statements valid it’s because you likely didn’t realize what you were doing was hurting them.

instead of saying “you took it the wrong way” “that didn’t happen” “well that shouldn’t have made you feel that way” listen to them. ask specific questions for yourself to clarify. i.e. “was this the first time i made you feel this way?” “which of my actions have been harmful?”

a lot of us don’t intend to hurt people we love or care about. a lot of us don’t even realize what we are doing is harmful or hurtful. as humans we are unable to see outside of our own singular perspective. this is why listening to them is so important.

after you listen, tell them you’re sorry. try to offer perspective from your own point of view without making excuses. i.e. “im sorry, i didn’t even think that would hurt you. from my point of view i was just trying to xyz, but seeing it from your perspective helps me understand”

try to be empathetic and understanding. consider what you know about their last trauma, mental health, current life position, etc. put yourself in their shoes and you’ll realize you too probably would have been hurt. even if you don’t, it doesn’t make their pain less valid.

also, if you’re the other person in this situation, communication is key. a lot of times your friends / family / partners don’t know they’re hurting you, and unless you tell them how you’re feeling, they will keep doing said things and it will keep driving you apart.

lastly, tell the person how you will avoid doing that in the future using specific examples: i.e. “im sorry doing x hurt you, next time i will consider y before i make the mistake again.” admit responsibility, show remorse, and commit to a plan to prevent it from happening.