okay so part of being an SFF writer is that you are often invited to speak at panel discussions with other writers at conventions and I cannot help but feel like there are writers who are in demand for all kinds of panels and other writers who are less so but--okay hang on

Now I love to talk about writing and subjects adjacent to the writing of SFF. let me get started and I will happily chat all day. but once the group of people listening gets bigger than, say ten people I start to get anxious. this is a me thing, I'm working on it

only...

only, I noticed something. and I'd like to tell you about it.

When I have attended cons because I was a nominee for an award given at that event, I want to be clear - I did not have this problem at *any* of those events where I spoke on a panel.

but at cons where i wasn't?

I was generally only invited to speak on one kind of panel.

I'll give you a minute to spin your decoder rings and guess what kind.

only one kind of panel. I don't think the people inviting me noticed, but believe me--I certainly did.

but I said yes, and regretted it every time

because these panels are designed to generate only one thing from you. only one thing. that's all they want. they want your pain.

they don't want anything else.

They're very difficult panels to do, because they are always shaped this way.

so there I am in a group of writers--excellent writers, inventive writers, tenacious and nuanced writers, and all anyone ever wants to hear about is what hurt us. what angered us. what bravely made us persist against mountainously unfair odds. what messages we bring with us.

and the responses were all the same. so powerful. so inspiring. I witnessed racism once, and it hurt me so much to stand next to it. Thank you for this incredible gift, they would say, and off they'd go, satisfied.

It was draining. it was invalidating. It was boring as hell.

It took so much out of me, and it didn't give anything back. so I quietly decided that I would turn down any invitations I got to speak on these kinds of panels. I would happily consider an invitation to any other kind of panel, but I would decline the diversity panel forevermore

well guess what, friends

I never received an invitation to any other kind of panel from the moment I made that decision.

not one.

and I can't help but feel it's because I have no value if I refuse to talk about the pain of being Black.