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i’ve been putting off getting my hair cut/styled again bc i don’t want to explain Why I Ended A Multi-Year Engagement, but i am also reaching the point where i look Less Hot so i guess we have priorities now
i know i can (and will) say, like, “it just wasn’t working, it was as amicable as possible but i don’t want to talk about it” but it’s still those expressions of “omg i’m so sorry!” and “i had no idea!” that are Painful
so much happier with where i am now but also struggling very much with the feeling that i let a lot of people down by choosing to move past that version of myself. having a hard time articulating that, too
it’s so much easier for people to understand “why” a relationship ended if someone cheated, or if someone Lied, or if there was abuse—but when both parties drift apart and you have to make that call, people tend to be really uncomfortable
when my parents got divorced—finally, after more than a decade of unofficial separation—i had just turned 22, and so many people asked if someone cheated. to my face! “did your mother cheat? did she find another man?”
my own grandmother asked me this—and when i refused to respond, telling her that not only was i offended but that it was none of her (or even my) business, she asked my then-partner the same question when i left the room
mostly i am saying that relationships are hard, and our investment in others’ relationships can do a lot more harm than good. i don’t mind people asking me how i’m doing or if i’m alright, but it is degrading to be asked to Rehash a very personal decision that, clearly, Hurt
i made the decision to end the relationship. it sucked. it hurt a lot. i felt and continue to feel a lot of guilt that i’m working through. i miss him every goddamn day and know, also, that it was the right decision. i don’t regret it at all, but others Implying that i should—
—makes it that much harder to grieve in my own time and heal. and while most people have been gracious, i am Absolutely avoiding quite a few others.
(shrugs) i truly feel that we should practice taking people at face value and respecting their wishes, even if you don’t understand them
this is getting really philosophical but one value that is extremely important to me is honesty—not just Not Lying, but also being direct and trustworthy. i knew so many people growing up who would say one thing and mean another, and while there is room for nuance
in conversation, i don’t have time or patience for that. if i tell you that i’m busy, i want you to trust that. conversely, if i tell you that you’re not a bother and that i enjoy talking, i want you to trust that too.
people NOT trusting me—even when i say,
people NOT trusting me—even when i say,
“i don’t want to talk about it,” is not only upsetting and belittling but also, honestly, violates a core relationship value that i hold
this has been Nat’s Philosophical Hour, thank u for coming
