As the queer age gap discourse continues into day forever...
I'm also seeing people saying we've gotta get offline to know queer older folks.
That's partly true, but not super actionable in a pandemic.

... and that highlights the loneliness even more, doesn't it.

One of my grandparents was queer. My dad's mom.
I didn't find out until I came out as queer.
Because the family didn't discuss it.
I missed so much opportunity to know her well, because she died several years ago, disabled by her job and years of hard life.

One of my mom's older cousins is certainly queer but no one talks about it.

Both of these people are/were older, southern, queer... and hiding in plain sight.

That's common in older generations. Hiding in plain sight.
Community agreement that no one really talks about that One

My grandma was actually pretty online. That's one of the reasons I didn't know her as well as I wished.
Because she fell right into the conspiracy theory, victim blamey, conservative in weird ways, trap that Facebook laid for many older folks.

There's no simple solution to age gap problems, but there's a damned good chance that a large part of it is the way that, at least in the US, eldership is not valued. Neither is childhood, though. Children aren't considered self actualizing in the US.

Another "problem" is that our language shifts.
Remember how the internet blew up because they thought Billy Porter was coming out as gender fluid?
And when he realized what people meant he was like, NOPE?

Kids and elders both deserve the right to be self defining.

But the fact is that people have been hiding in plain sight for a long time.
Just casually not talking about their private life.
And it's easier to do that when you get to a certain age.
People stop asking, when they think you're past the "age of value"

So maybe what you need to do is wait until the pandemic is over and then Google the city you live in for the one old lesbian bar in town.
Go hang out on Sunday evenings or check the events.
Maybe you'll find elderfolk that way who are out enough to talk to you about it.

But maybe you can't wait until the end of what might be a never ending story.

If that's the case... my advice to you is that you do what I do, and stop assuming old means straight
Stop assuming married means cishet
Be open to the realization that plenty of people come out late

And, for fuck's sake, stop assuming AIDS is the only reason you don't know older queers.

Did you know that until recently it was legal to fire someone for being gay or trans in every state?
And most states only changed that state by state?

Maybe you don't know, because you're 25, so the law in Colorado protecting gay (but not trans) people passed while you were a teenager.

I was fired for being too queer as recently as 2015 and in 2016 and 2017 had my job threatened about it despite being in a state where the law is on my side.

It's not just a matter of people dying.
It's also a matter of people needing to stay alive.
To provide for their families.

So maybe the problem is that you haven't done the work to be a safe place, or access a safe place, for people to be queer in their own quiet ways and not just rolling in the hallways singing about being gay.

And yes, ultimately, The Problem Is Society.
It's decades of the big churches deciding queerness was an easy scapegoat.
It's decades of political opportunists doing the same.
It's medical facilities going along with this erasure.

But Society isn't going to unbreak tomorrow.

I've already given you a few points in this thread, but let me recap:
1. Don't assume someone's gender or sexuality. Let them tell you.
2. Don't ask about a person's sexual experiences.
3. Don't force people to out themselves to you for clout

4. Look for local, established, queer organizations to find people
5. Elder does not mean progressive, by default
6. Older does not mean conservative, by default
7. Stop assuming history started with the internet

8. Understand that older folks may use different terms for themselves than you use now
9. Don't assume their terms for themselves are wrong
10. Seek understanding over validation

11. Don't disparage that plenty of older queerfolk seek community in religion.
Often UUs and other "rainbow friendly" churches are so because there's a cluster of elder queerfolk there!

12. Don't assume that anyone can't decide who they are! Or that identities must be static!

This includes kids, adults, elders.
This includes gender, sexuality, agender, asexuality, and even aromantic identity.