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Yesterday I attended a friends/ex colleague’s baby shower. On the table there were 4 women: 2 White women, 1 Brown WOC (Middle Eastern) and myself, a Black woman. /1
For context, we’re all social workers/counsellors and we’re discussing how Victoria has laws regarding naming children particular names eg: racial slurs, derogatory terms, names of institutions etc /2
WW1 (White woman one): “You know what’s a name they used to name people but don’t name anymore? Oh I’ll just say it. People used to name their children Nigger, they’d even called their dogs Nigger.”
*We all go silent* /3
*We all go silent* /3
Brown Woman: *eyes wide in shock*
“You can’t say that”
WW1: *nodding head in agreement*
Yeah, you can’t name your child Nigger.” /4
“You can’t say that”
WW1: *nodding head in agreement*
Yeah, you can’t name your child Nigger.” /4
WW2 (White woman 2):
You can’t say that, you have to say the N word. It’s inappropriate, even if its to describe a situation. It’s illegal. Just say N word. You can’t say it."
WW1: *grabs her nonexistent pearls in shock*
"Oh I didn’t know I couldn’t say it." /5
You can’t say that, you have to say the N word. It’s inappropriate, even if its to describe a situation. It’s illegal. Just say N word. You can’t say it."
WW1: *grabs her nonexistent pearls in shock*
"Oh I didn’t know I couldn’t say it." /5
WW1: *turning towards the Brown woman*
I'm sorry
*Mind you, here I am, a Nigger, sitting right in front of her* /6
I'm sorry
*Mind you, here I am, a Nigger, sitting right in front of her* /6
Side note: WW1 and the Brown woman are both excolleagues. I'd worked with WW1 for 2.5 years and multiple employees including myself + Brown woman publicly left because of the overt institutional culture of descrimination. WW1 still works there and has been there for 15+ yrs /7
Brown Woman: *looking at me in shock*
You shouldn’t apologise to me. I am not Black, this is an offensive term that describes Black people.
WW1: *nods in agreement but doesn’t say anything further*
*Silence*
You shouldn’t apologise to me. I am not Black, this is an offensive term that describes Black people.
WW1: *nods in agreement but doesn’t say anything further*
*Silence*
During this whole exchange I remained silent. I didn’t know what to say and frankly I was waiting for her to acknowledge me.
After a few moments of silence the conversation returned to baby names. /9
After a few moments of silence the conversation returned to baby names. /9
From that point onwards WW1 proceeded to withdraw from our conversation and stopped talking. WW1 actively avoided us (myself and the Brown woman) for the rest of the event before she left. Right before we left, the Brown woman and I approached WW1. /10
Me: Hey (name) I'm glad I caught you before you left. I wanted to share that I was shocked and disappointed that you would say Nigger.
WW1: I didn’t know I couldn’t say it. /11
WW1: I didn’t know I couldn’t say it. /11
Me: *Here’s where I snapped*
Well actually you did know because you used it to describe a name that was banned. So don’t say you didn’t know, you know it was a banned word, so you knew exactly what you were saying
WW1: *has no words, staring blankly* /12
Well actually you did know because you used it to describe a name that was banned. So don’t say you didn’t know, you know it was a banned word, so you knew exactly what you were saying
WW1: *has no words, staring blankly* /12
Me: I was just surprised that you apologised to (Brown Woman) but not me.
WW1: *waving her hands*
Oh I apologised to her because she’s the one who corrected me first. /13
WW1: *waving her hands*
Oh I apologised to her because she’s the one who corrected me first. /13
Me: So it didn’t occur to you as a Black person that this would be offensive to me, that the apology should’ve been directed to me as well.
WW1: oh uh, but, ahh, umm /14
WW1: oh uh, but, ahh, umm /14
Me: It was really hurtful to hear you say that
Brown woman: Saying the N word can be a really traumatic experience for Black people, that's why we don't say it.
*awkward silence* /15
Brown woman: Saying the N word can be a really traumatic experience for Black people, that's why we don't say it.
*awkward silence* /15
Me: It was really uncomfortable isn't it?
WW1: It was so uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable.
Me: Well imagine how I felt. Sitting there while you used a racial slur.
WW1: *Silence* /16
WW1: It was so uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable.
Me: Well imagine how I felt. Sitting there while you used a racial slur.
WW1: *Silence* /16
Me: *sarcastically b/c she's an ex-teacher*
Well at least this is a teachable moment
WW1: Yes, it's a learnable moment.” I'm learning.
Me: Well next time lets make your learning not at the expense of my exposure to your racism.
WW1: *Silence* /17
Well at least this is a teachable moment
WW1: Yes, it's a learnable moment.” I'm learning.
Me: Well next time lets make your learning not at the expense of my exposure to your racism.
WW1: *Silence* /17
The conversation then ended. I never received an explanation or apology.
What I did receive was a reminder of why I left the organisation. /18
What I did receive was a reminder of why I left the organisation. /18
If I was still working there and we had this interaction I would’ve been informed by multiple WW that it was a harmless mistake and she didn’t mean to offend. I would’ve been asked to stop creating problems and that the slur wasn’t directed to me so she wasn't being racist. /19
I say this because that’s exactly what happened in this organisation. Every day, every work meeting, for 2 years, we experienced ongoing overt and covert racism by women like her. Feminists. Counsellors. Social Workers. /20
I was surrounded by WW who believed they were virtuous and inclusive, who used their strategic cluelessness to deliberately enact harm to racial minorities and then they were not held accountable to themselves, to clients or to their colleagues. /21
They outnumbered and silenced us by rejecting and invalidating our experience and continue to prosper in organisations meanwhile BIPOC workers enter and exit the organisation faster than a drive through at McDonalds. /22
So for all the wokified WW this is what your activism looks like. Replace her name and insert yours and this is what an encounter can be like working or simply sitting with you. /23
